At the beginning of each summer break, I often feel a little out of control. School is officially over, so I know I have no plans, at least for a couple of weeks. I end up ditching my routine almost entirely and tend to stay up til the wee hours, complaining later about how I feel horrible being tired. So here I am at 10:35pm, at a crossroads. I could continue on the same self destructive path, known in some circles as a state of SLOTH. Or, I could change my behavior. Hmm.
Here's the rub: I am trying to loosen up a little. I am so attached to a certain routine, particular foods, etc, that I feel like I ought to shake things up a bit. But instead, I turn to meaningless internet activities when I have free time. I isolate in my kitchen, googling things like Pastor Britt (on You Tube), who I used to know as plain ole Britt, or Burt. I went to high school with him, and the last time I saw him in person, he was walking across our stage at graduation yelling "Burt don't surf!". Now he gives sermons at Reality Church in Carpinteria that are reminiscent of Baptist fire and brimstone with some sales pitch mixed in.
Anyway...the point is that all of this free time drives me crazy. I am stuck between overplanning and becoming one of those people who play guitar hero for 5 hours straight (just making that up, as a good example of what I am doing).
My road trip is another fine example of trying to mix things up, Michelle style. I took nearly every item of clothing I own (and wore only 2-3 outfits), all my regular foods in a cooler, and my favorite utensils and dishes. I loaded my car to the brim, including a guitar I never played, and a beach chair I never sat in. I drove 7-9 hours a day (!) to the weirdest places. Some were quite breathtaking, others were downright nasty. I visited my friend Rozanna and her family. That was ok. But other than that, what was my motive for taking a trip anyway? Well, I had time to kill and money burning a hole in my checking account. Why not stay in a motel near a meth smoker who yelled at his girlfriend about peeing in the bed, among other things. BTW, I smelled meth in the bathroom after my shower, and still smelled it on my nightie the next night. I was so grossed out! Other than the obvious entertainment factor for writing an interesting book, why did I endure such ridiculousness?
Well, because I needed something to do.*sigh*
Here's my solution: I will sign up for a class of interest, like meditation, yoga, or hiking. I will plan on attending said activity once a week. I will go to more meetings, and do more writing. I also need a part time job, so that ought to keep me sorta busy. And...I could call my friends more often. Lunch dates at Daily Grind would be very pleasant. Butterfly Beach is awesome, as always. My bald friend returns from New York soon. Hmm. I should discuss the bald one in another blog. Yes, I could write about him all day long, and into the night. Ha ha.
See, I have plenty to do. Wish me luck with that. I am gonna need it.
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Monday, May 26, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Going to Any Lengths With Macrame and christianity with a little c
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I had a lovely Mother's Day dinner at the folks' house tonight. We talked for an hour or so about various topics, beginning with my sneaking out as a teen and ending with christian with a little "c".
So here's the story. I only snuck out of my bedroom window once. After that, my dad simply screwed it in place so I could not even open the window. I was probably around 15 years old at the time, just starting to get a little crazy, but not so bad that I got arrested or injured...yet. That was not until I became a legal adult. Anyway, it astounds me that I didn't just take out the screw. Maybe I was scared of getting busted for taking it out, or worried I wouldn't be able to replace it? It also surprises me that I didn't use the front door. That is all I remember doing, although the memory of the window came back upon reflection.
My mom asked me tonight if I remembered the bells on the front door. I was drawing a total blank. She told me that they nailed an old macrame wall hanging above the door (I remember it as a plant holder actually) so the bells attached to it would sound if I snuck out. I think this is hilarious, imagining some ugly macrame whatever thing over the door to deter their wayward teen from sneaking out. Instead of confrontation, they used tactics that would (conceivably) prevent me from leaving. Tonight, I referred to this as "natural consequences". They usually had no problem with confronting me about this kind of stuff, as I recall. But perhaps what I remember is young adulthood, when I bounced in and out of living there and just came and went through the front door. The bells were gone by then for sure.
The other challenge I had was when my mom would be awake, watching TV, after getting a call from a patient. She often would have trouble getting back to sleep, and was up at all hours at times, in the living room near the front door. In my 20s, I would do the walk of shame, reeking of booze at 3-4am, disappointed that I couldn't make food. When I could make something to nibble on, it was a full course meal of cheap elbow macaroni and tomato paste, seasoned with lots of spices.
My mom asked me where I went when I snuck out. As an adult, I told her a few likely places without hesitation. We usually went down to a place in Carpinteria (CA) called the Square, above the beach. Sometimes we went to State Park, and other times down to Shit Creek, as we so lovingly called the creek near our shores. Carpas, or Carp (Carpinteria for short) is a small town, so everyone knows everyone and everything you're doing. My parents didn't know the details, but I am sure they could have guessed that there was drinking involved. I am not sure if the vomiting and confusion set in until age 17, but there was definitely beer and boys. Actually, I was hanging with men in their late 20s, early 30s. Not such a good scene, in fact.
As I ought to get into my cozy bed soon, I will tell you about the christian with a little "c" part of this story. My mom was brought up Jewish, and does not practice any formal religion. Although we celebrate Passover and Hannukah, we are not orthodox and have never been to temple. My dad has a Christian upbringing, his parents following the King James Version of the Bible. I went to Protestant church as a wee child, but do not currently attend any congregation. My mom has claimed over the years to be an atheist. One time she did qualify as spiritual, however. I totally understand this. Anyway, we were discussing religion and all its aspects, all the way from Religious Serpent Handling in the Pentacostal churches of West Virginia, to ancient history, to Catholicism vs. all other Christian sects. Specifically, my mom was referring to those in the Catholic Church suffering through this life, with the belief that the after life will be better, and the others' belief in being good in this life.
I believe in the power of being completely in the present moment. The Universe, power greater than ourselves, or what some call God, takes care of the rest. I believe in consequences for our behavior, that either will serve us or will not. I want to remember daily that all beings want to be free from suffering and want happiness, that compassion for others is paramount.
That being said, my mom's closing thoughts on the subject were, "I believe in being christian with a little c. You know, living by the Ten Commandments." She was saying that a good life did involve some rules, but that all we need to worry about is being kind to one another. Nice. I like that kind of simplicity.
I had a lovely Mother's Day dinner at the folks' house tonight. We talked for an hour or so about various topics, beginning with my sneaking out as a teen and ending with christian with a little "c".
So here's the story. I only snuck out of my bedroom window once. After that, my dad simply screwed it in place so I could not even open the window. I was probably around 15 years old at the time, just starting to get a little crazy, but not so bad that I got arrested or injured...yet. That was not until I became a legal adult. Anyway, it astounds me that I didn't just take out the screw. Maybe I was scared of getting busted for taking it out, or worried I wouldn't be able to replace it? It also surprises me that I didn't use the front door. That is all I remember doing, although the memory of the window came back upon reflection.
My mom asked me tonight if I remembered the bells on the front door. I was drawing a total blank. She told me that they nailed an old macrame wall hanging above the door (I remember it as a plant holder actually) so the bells attached to it would sound if I snuck out. I think this is hilarious, imagining some ugly macrame whatever thing over the door to deter their wayward teen from sneaking out. Instead of confrontation, they used tactics that would (conceivably) prevent me from leaving. Tonight, I referred to this as "natural consequences". They usually had no problem with confronting me about this kind of stuff, as I recall. But perhaps what I remember is young adulthood, when I bounced in and out of living there and just came and went through the front door. The bells were gone by then for sure.
The other challenge I had was when my mom would be awake, watching TV, after getting a call from a patient. She often would have trouble getting back to sleep, and was up at all hours at times, in the living room near the front door. In my 20s, I would do the walk of shame, reeking of booze at 3-4am, disappointed that I couldn't make food. When I could make something to nibble on, it was a full course meal of cheap elbow macaroni and tomato paste, seasoned with lots of spices.
My mom asked me where I went when I snuck out. As an adult, I told her a few likely places without hesitation. We usually went down to a place in Carpinteria (CA) called the Square, above the beach. Sometimes we went to State Park, and other times down to Shit Creek, as we so lovingly called the creek near our shores. Carpas, or Carp (Carpinteria for short) is a small town, so everyone knows everyone and everything you're doing. My parents didn't know the details, but I am sure they could have guessed that there was drinking involved. I am not sure if the vomiting and confusion set in until age 17, but there was definitely beer and boys. Actually, I was hanging with men in their late 20s, early 30s. Not such a good scene, in fact.
As I ought to get into my cozy bed soon, I will tell you about the christian with a little "c" part of this story. My mom was brought up Jewish, and does not practice any formal religion. Although we celebrate Passover and Hannukah, we are not orthodox and have never been to temple. My dad has a Christian upbringing, his parents following the King James Version of the Bible. I went to Protestant church as a wee child, but do not currently attend any congregation. My mom has claimed over the years to be an atheist. One time she did qualify as spiritual, however. I totally understand this. Anyway, we were discussing religion and all its aspects, all the way from Religious Serpent Handling in the Pentacostal churches of West Virginia, to ancient history, to Catholicism vs. all other Christian sects. Specifically, my mom was referring to those in the Catholic Church suffering through this life, with the belief that the after life will be better, and the others' belief in being good in this life.
I believe in the power of being completely in the present moment. The Universe, power greater than ourselves, or what some call God, takes care of the rest. I believe in consequences for our behavior, that either will serve us or will not. I want to remember daily that all beings want to be free from suffering and want happiness, that compassion for others is paramount.
That being said, my mom's closing thoughts on the subject were, "I believe in being christian with a little c. You know, living by the Ten Commandments." She was saying that a good life did involve some rules, but that all we need to worry about is being kind to one another. Nice. I like that kind of simplicity.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Reality Bites...Or Does It Simply Blow Kisses?
First things first. I am feeling so in the moment, completely present right now. Such was the case earlier at Trader Joe's. This very angry man I've seen yelling around my neighborhood walked across the driveway, as I was chatting with Mark the petition guy. As a driver waited to leave the lot, the man exclaimed, "Get your f*ckin car off the sidewalk, you bitch!" and he kicked the bumper. He felt offended by this person being in his way.
I really feel for this man. He is completely miserable. He carries multiple bags and appears homeless. His energy is as heavy as the duffle bag he carries. His anger can literally be heard all throughout the town. This is probably not the first time he has caused a scene.
I am a very friendly person. I tend to say hello to everyone I see. Seriously, I leave no one out. I also am aware that people who behave as this man does usually do not get friendly greetings. I held back today, just turning to send him some positive energy. I felt such discomfort left in his wake, and realized that saying "Hi" would not help. Brian, my favorite cashier (BTW he is such a cutie), came out to witness the event. He is from Iowa. I wonder if this is foreign to him, seeing such an upheaval. Anyway, the man is very upset because he is unable to live in the present moment. What he is experiencing is an inability to accept life as it is. This is probably one of the more extreme instances I've witnessed. I believe it is a moment I needed to pay attention to.
This man is not alone. There are so many people on our planet expressing their pain this way. They could all use some good energy. Imagine a world where we all cared for one another, regardless of circumstance. Imagine letting go of all of that anger. Wow. What a relief.
This man illustrated for me what it is like when I am in a state of nonacceptance, wanting to control the uncontrollable. Another issue is one of action. In his case, his choices included waiting, moving around, or walking slowly until s/he drove away. When I accept what IS, all of this is really simple. I don't even have to make an effort to take action or surrender.
Now, if I apply this to a relationship with someone I have had conflict with, it feels more complicated somehow. But is it? Notice I said that I have had conflict with him. I am not currently experiencing any conflict with this person. He is not even in my present space. Oh how I want to make the past and future into the present! I totally relate to the angry man on the street today.
I have been thinking way too hard about past behavior of a particular someone. I judge our current situation with our past. To put this in more understandable language to those of you who have no idea what I am getting at...I was seeing this guy for a couple of years, after 3 months of dating and a break up. Every time we saw each other, we would get intimate. He does not want to date me. I don't want to just sleep with him. We stood at a crossroads. We always do this. We are repeat offenders, continuing the same insanity until we learn something.
Let me say right now that I have flip flopped this around in my head for a few years. I used to engage in behavior with him that did not serve either of us. I no longer do this. I will put space between us. I get angry at him, in his absence (part of the process). He appears in my space, either by supposedly "random" chance (there are no accidents), or on purpose by calling. I get more angry at him for being in my space. Eventually, I come to my own crossroads. I could go yell at him to stop bothering me, tell him he hurt me, blah blah blah. Or...I could forgive him. Whenever I've forgiven before, I get the urge to call him. Inevitably, I feel like kissing him (old behavior). All of this scares me. Fortunately, it's all in my head.
Well, today I realized that I can forgive him and still have boundaries. Every time I let go of expectation of any kind, he and I get along and there is no pain. I am not blind nor stupid. Neither is he. We both know that the way we have been approaching this has not worked. We have both pushed against that, and tried anyway, to no avail. It's time to stop screwing around and show some true love to one another. I have no control over what he does, but I am sick and tired of being angry. I am grateful for a lesson learned. What a blessing. I am ready to love him for who he is, as is. Without fear of attachment issues, without obsession. Just pure love. Unconditionally, just like I love my cats. :)
All we need is love y'all. That is all.
I really feel for this man. He is completely miserable. He carries multiple bags and appears homeless. His energy is as heavy as the duffle bag he carries. His anger can literally be heard all throughout the town. This is probably not the first time he has caused a scene.
I am a very friendly person. I tend to say hello to everyone I see. Seriously, I leave no one out. I also am aware that people who behave as this man does usually do not get friendly greetings. I held back today, just turning to send him some positive energy. I felt such discomfort left in his wake, and realized that saying "Hi" would not help. Brian, my favorite cashier (BTW he is such a cutie), came out to witness the event. He is from Iowa. I wonder if this is foreign to him, seeing such an upheaval. Anyway, the man is very upset because he is unable to live in the present moment. What he is experiencing is an inability to accept life as it is. This is probably one of the more extreme instances I've witnessed. I believe it is a moment I needed to pay attention to.
This man is not alone. There are so many people on our planet expressing their pain this way. They could all use some good energy. Imagine a world where we all cared for one another, regardless of circumstance. Imagine letting go of all of that anger. Wow. What a relief.
This man illustrated for me what it is like when I am in a state of nonacceptance, wanting to control the uncontrollable. Another issue is one of action. In his case, his choices included waiting, moving around, or walking slowly until s/he drove away. When I accept what IS, all of this is really simple. I don't even have to make an effort to take action or surrender.
Now, if I apply this to a relationship with someone I have had conflict with, it feels more complicated somehow. But is it? Notice I said that I have had conflict with him. I am not currently experiencing any conflict with this person. He is not even in my present space. Oh how I want to make the past and future into the present! I totally relate to the angry man on the street today.
I have been thinking way too hard about past behavior of a particular someone. I judge our current situation with our past. To put this in more understandable language to those of you who have no idea what I am getting at...I was seeing this guy for a couple of years, after 3 months of dating and a break up. Every time we saw each other, we would get intimate. He does not want to date me. I don't want to just sleep with him. We stood at a crossroads. We always do this. We are repeat offenders, continuing the same insanity until we learn something.
Let me say right now that I have flip flopped this around in my head for a few years. I used to engage in behavior with him that did not serve either of us. I no longer do this. I will put space between us. I get angry at him, in his absence (part of the process). He appears in my space, either by supposedly "random" chance (there are no accidents), or on purpose by calling. I get more angry at him for being in my space. Eventually, I come to my own crossroads. I could go yell at him to stop bothering me, tell him he hurt me, blah blah blah. Or...I could forgive him. Whenever I've forgiven before, I get the urge to call him. Inevitably, I feel like kissing him (old behavior). All of this scares me. Fortunately, it's all in my head.
Well, today I realized that I can forgive him and still have boundaries. Every time I let go of expectation of any kind, he and I get along and there is no pain. I am not blind nor stupid. Neither is he. We both know that the way we have been approaching this has not worked. We have both pushed against that, and tried anyway, to no avail. It's time to stop screwing around and show some true love to one another. I have no control over what he does, but I am sick and tired of being angry. I am grateful for a lesson learned. What a blessing. I am ready to love him for who he is, as is. Without fear of attachment issues, without obsession. Just pure love. Unconditionally, just like I love my cats. :)
All we need is love y'all. That is all.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Maxed Out
Note: written on Tuesday...
I am so worn out, burnt out, totally fried from a marathon make up study session! I have all these diaries to do for social psychology. I have been writing all friggin day. OK, it was only 6 hours...I am already becoming a PhD lunatic, saying things like ONLY 6 hours. Sheesh.
So I decided that I cannot do everything. I am not really Supergirl, at least not in the superhero sense of the word. Once again, I did not get everything done. I had 4 days. I used 2 days to relax, as I should. Perhaps next time I can actually use part of Friday, keep Saturday for myself, and study Monday or Tuesday, not both in a row. Cramming just does not work. Ugh. I am hungry. I felt like I needed to write this, though. I want to remember what it's like. I am NOT Superwoman!
That being said, I can now officially let go of all residual guilt from not finishing a paper that I had extra time for, in order to work on other make up stuff for a different class. I can get some sleep and make a go of finishing in the morning. I can be flexible.
OK, now I can eat. I can only hope that others reading this will understand that we do not have to do everything! It is OK to do what we can and leave the rest. Life happens. Oh yea, and just because I am a psych major does not mean I have to always enjoy analyzing human behavior. Frankly, I am sick of it at the moment. I am happy to just be and let be.Love you all!
I am so worn out, burnt out, totally fried from a marathon make up study session! I have all these diaries to do for social psychology. I have been writing all friggin day. OK, it was only 6 hours...I am already becoming a PhD lunatic, saying things like ONLY 6 hours. Sheesh.
So I decided that I cannot do everything. I am not really Supergirl, at least not in the superhero sense of the word. Once again, I did not get everything done. I had 4 days. I used 2 days to relax, as I should. Perhaps next time I can actually use part of Friday, keep Saturday for myself, and study Monday or Tuesday, not both in a row. Cramming just does not work. Ugh. I am hungry. I felt like I needed to write this, though. I want to remember what it's like. I am NOT Superwoman!
That being said, I can now officially let go of all residual guilt from not finishing a paper that I had extra time for, in order to work on other make up stuff for a different class. I can get some sleep and make a go of finishing in the morning. I can be flexible.
OK, now I can eat. I can only hope that others reading this will understand that we do not have to do everything! It is OK to do what we can and leave the rest. Life happens. Oh yea, and just because I am a psych major does not mean I have to always enjoy analyzing human behavior. Frankly, I am sick of it at the moment. I am happy to just be and let be.Love you all!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
The Miracle of Waiting
There is magic in the space between. The more I chase a dream, the less I see of it. If I pause, and simply wait for the Great Universe to do its thing, everything I ever wanted starts happening. Other times all that I never wanted but definitely need begins to manifest. Isn’t it interesting that we often think we want or need a relationship or situation in our lives to be a certain way, and in fact we need quite another?
Often when I am unwilling to let go of the wishing, wanting, and running after someone or something, I fail to notice the space between. This is when everything is cooking. Some stuff needs to simmer a while to become full of delicious flavor, as intended.
Another miracle I get to witness these days is the result of my taking action. Sometimes we wonder when we will see the outcome of what we made happen. Well, I can see that I plant seeds. I tend to this garden we call life, and I can’t always see what will grow. Wait for it...I have been saying this to myself, as a gentle reminder to stay patient.
So this is why the concept of one day at a time always works. I may have goals and plans, but on a daily basis, I let go and focus on the here and now.
Today, I got a phone call. Tonight at 10:20pm, in fact. He called me drunk, and said he wants to get sober. I let him sleep it off, telling him to call in the morning. I called a couple of guys to see about going to a meeting tomorrow. I have waited for that call for a very long time. I heard the desperation in his voice, which I am familiar with on a cellular level. This brings me hope, as I found that desperation and utter despair to be the greatest gift I have ever received.
I am so grateful to be safe, sane, and sober. I am grateful to love myself, so that others may benefit.
Peace and Love my family. :)
Often when I am unwilling to let go of the wishing, wanting, and running after someone or something, I fail to notice the space between. This is when everything is cooking. Some stuff needs to simmer a while to become full of delicious flavor, as intended.
Another miracle I get to witness these days is the result of my taking action. Sometimes we wonder when we will see the outcome of what we made happen. Well, I can see that I plant seeds. I tend to this garden we call life, and I can’t always see what will grow. Wait for it...I have been saying this to myself, as a gentle reminder to stay patient.
So this is why the concept of one day at a time always works. I may have goals and plans, but on a daily basis, I let go and focus on the here and now.
Today, I got a phone call. Tonight at 10:20pm, in fact. He called me drunk, and said he wants to get sober. I let him sleep it off, telling him to call in the morning. I called a couple of guys to see about going to a meeting tomorrow. I have waited for that call for a very long time. I heard the desperation in his voice, which I am familiar with on a cellular level. This brings me hope, as I found that desperation and utter despair to be the greatest gift I have ever received.
I am so grateful to be safe, sane, and sober. I am grateful to love myself, so that others may benefit.
Peace and Love my family. :)
Monday, March 24, 2008
Getting Unstuck Really Sucks
I have a pet peeve. It’s all about labels, security devices, and price tags in all the wrong places.
Last Friday I bought a Pyrex glass baking pan. The label affixed to the inside was nearly impossible to remove without some huge effort on my part. This involved a butter knife and a bad attitude. I was embarking on a new recipe for some eggplant parmesan I had never made before. I was taking a cake at the 8pm meeting. It was nearing 6pm. I was nervous. This was not what I signed up for.
I have been harboring a resentment towards this sticky label business for a while now. Grrr.
A couple of days before this, I was about to cook some stir fry with a wok my mom bought me from Ross for Christmas. The price tag was stuck to the bottom, and could not be removed without Goo Be Gone and some hatred toward Ross and all the lack of forethought behind labelling on cookware. What were they thinking? Goo Be Gone contains petroleum. Because of this, I use it sparingly if at all, and would never find myself using it on the bottom of a pan that will soon have fire beneath it. I suppose it was better than merely burning off the label. Hrmph.
Just a week previous to all this baloney, I decided to finally open a DVD I have had for a year or so. Office Space is funny, and this one I acquired was labelled as a "Special Edition". I found 3 separate security tapes around it. Apparently, this was so special it required a little added security. I needed a knife to open the case. Geez.
During this week, I casually began to peel the package of Trader Joe’s turkey slices. I tend to bring it almost immediately to my teeth, as this is harder than it appears. I am usually stubborn enough to keep chewing on the damn thing, and it eventually opens. This time was a no go. I yanked a knife out and sliced the package, feeling liberated.
The question that always comes to mind is this: Are we protecting ourselves from each other or ourselves? We have gone too far. Will we soon have security devices stuck on our bodies? Will we have celophane wrapping on each individual strawberry to protect us from poisons and germs? Will all the store shelves be locked to prevent stealing? We are paranoid, filled with fear that paralyzes us from fully living.
Life is messy. I plan on enjoying whatever risks come my way. I take precautions within reason. Then I let the rest go. Eventually I can also claim surrender to this obsession we have with sticky stuff.
Last Friday I bought a Pyrex glass baking pan. The label affixed to the inside was nearly impossible to remove without some huge effort on my part. This involved a butter knife and a bad attitude. I was embarking on a new recipe for some eggplant parmesan I had never made before. I was taking a cake at the 8pm meeting. It was nearing 6pm. I was nervous. This was not what I signed up for.
I have been harboring a resentment towards this sticky label business for a while now. Grrr.
A couple of days before this, I was about to cook some stir fry with a wok my mom bought me from Ross for Christmas. The price tag was stuck to the bottom, and could not be removed without Goo Be Gone and some hatred toward Ross and all the lack of forethought behind labelling on cookware. What were they thinking? Goo Be Gone contains petroleum. Because of this, I use it sparingly if at all, and would never find myself using it on the bottom of a pan that will soon have fire beneath it. I suppose it was better than merely burning off the label. Hrmph.
Just a week previous to all this baloney, I decided to finally open a DVD I have had for a year or so. Office Space is funny, and this one I acquired was labelled as a "Special Edition". I found 3 separate security tapes around it. Apparently, this was so special it required a little added security. I needed a knife to open the case. Geez.
During this week, I casually began to peel the package of Trader Joe’s turkey slices. I tend to bring it almost immediately to my teeth, as this is harder than it appears. I am usually stubborn enough to keep chewing on the damn thing, and it eventually opens. This time was a no go. I yanked a knife out and sliced the package, feeling liberated.
The question that always comes to mind is this: Are we protecting ourselves from each other or ourselves? We have gone too far. Will we soon have security devices stuck on our bodies? Will we have celophane wrapping on each individual strawberry to protect us from poisons and germs? Will all the store shelves be locked to prevent stealing? We are paranoid, filled with fear that paralyzes us from fully living.
Life is messy. I plan on enjoying whatever risks come my way. I take precautions within reason. Then I let the rest go. Eventually I can also claim surrender to this obsession we have with sticky stuff.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
5 Things
Here are 5 things that are different from 5 years ago:
1) I love and value myself. I ask for help when needed, and help others in need.
2) I actually enjoy eating spinach salads, and all sorts of fruits and veggies. Chocolate is really one of my only vices. My fave, dark chocolate, is said to be good for you. I am very healthy.
3) I laugh when I inhale a bug on a morning run...Mmm, protein. Oh yea, and I run, by choice. Unflippinbelievable.
4) I typically get between 7-9 hours of sleep per night. I awaken very early in the morning, between 5-7am. Wow.
5) I am truly grateful to be in school and without a job.
OK, there are way more than 5 things different about my life since 5 years have past...But I am aware that about 5 items will hold your attention, and that hasn't changed all that much...I still love attention! ;)
Hope you all enjoyed today! I sure did.
1) I love and value myself. I ask for help when needed, and help others in need.
2) I actually enjoy eating spinach salads, and all sorts of fruits and veggies. Chocolate is really one of my only vices. My fave, dark chocolate, is said to be good for you. I am very healthy.
3) I laugh when I inhale a bug on a morning run...Mmm, protein. Oh yea, and I run, by choice. Unflippinbelievable.
4) I typically get between 7-9 hours of sleep per night. I awaken very early in the morning, between 5-7am. Wow.
5) I am truly grateful to be in school and without a job.
OK, there are way more than 5 things different about my life since 5 years have past...But I am aware that about 5 items will hold your attention, and that hasn't changed all that much...I still love attention! ;)
Hope you all enjoyed today! I sure did.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
4 years and 358 days...
Next week, on March 8, 2008, I will have 5 continuous years of sobriety. That's 1,825 days.
My life has changed so dramatically between now and then, sometimes it's difficult to articulate. I have a completely different outlook on life. I treat myself and others with love, respect, and dignity. That was not my story 5 years ago. I have the ability to accept what IS, and let go of what is NOT, most days. I am powerless over alcohol and drugs, yet I can own my own power to live fully without resorting to using them as a coping tool. I have a new set of tools today. I ask for help when needed, and give help when I can. I am growing into the person I am meant to be.
I am in the process of a spiritual exfoliation. This includes letting go of old stuff, in every sense of the word. I have chosen today to clean out my closet, and other areas of clutter. This is symbolic of opening up my heart to the life I have always wanted, but have often denied myself in the past. I am ready to empty out all of what I used to hold onto for fear I may fall apart. I can allow myself to breathe in the space I create, so that may let love in. I have been closed for way too long.
In our 12 step fellowship, some may say that I am no longer a newcomer. That being said, it is time to be even more accountable, and grow up. I never realized that growing up is hard to do, even for a grown woman. What I thought was a near mid-life crisis is really essential growth. It's time to move past my old relationship patterns, and prepare for a true life partnership. I have yearned for this, yet I have been incapable of letting go of my old behavior. Now I am so ready, my eyelashes are burning, my toenails hurt, and my hair is itching. I guess the point has been made abundantly clear.
Anyway, life is good. Thank you for letting me share this important turning point.
Much love to all.
My life has changed so dramatically between now and then, sometimes it's difficult to articulate. I have a completely different outlook on life. I treat myself and others with love, respect, and dignity. That was not my story 5 years ago. I have the ability to accept what IS, and let go of what is NOT, most days. I am powerless over alcohol and drugs, yet I can own my own power to live fully without resorting to using them as a coping tool. I have a new set of tools today. I ask for help when needed, and give help when I can. I am growing into the person I am meant to be.
I am in the process of a spiritual exfoliation. This includes letting go of old stuff, in every sense of the word. I have chosen today to clean out my closet, and other areas of clutter. This is symbolic of opening up my heart to the life I have always wanted, but have often denied myself in the past. I am ready to empty out all of what I used to hold onto for fear I may fall apart. I can allow myself to breathe in the space I create, so that may let love in. I have been closed for way too long.
In our 12 step fellowship, some may say that I am no longer a newcomer. That being said, it is time to be even more accountable, and grow up. I never realized that growing up is hard to do, even for a grown woman. What I thought was a near mid-life crisis is really essential growth. It's time to move past my old relationship patterns, and prepare for a true life partnership. I have yearned for this, yet I have been incapable of letting go of my old behavior. Now I am so ready, my eyelashes are burning, my toenails hurt, and my hair is itching. I guess the point has been made abundantly clear.
Anyway, life is good. Thank you for letting me share this important turning point.
Much love to all.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Tea Stories
REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER JUST A CUP OF TEA!
I used to see this guy I'll call William (alias). He and I would meet for tea, and inevitably other activities would ensue. We spent time away after dating briefly. A relationship just wasn't working out, but we couldn't stay away from each other's bedrooms. Well, every time we would reconnect, he would initiate by asking me to tea. After a while, we'd laugh, knowing that this was essentially a euphemism for something other than just a cup of tea. One time, he even clarified that he was asking me to go have an actual beverage.
Anyway, I don't see William much anymore, which is working out alright so far. I drink tea alone or with friends, occasionally having a private giggle at the story behind this enticingly hot beverage.
I used to see this guy I'll call William (alias). He and I would meet for tea, and inevitably other activities would ensue. We spent time away after dating briefly. A relationship just wasn't working out, but we couldn't stay away from each other's bedrooms. Well, every time we would reconnect, he would initiate by asking me to tea. After a while, we'd laugh, knowing that this was essentially a euphemism for something other than just a cup of tea. One time, he even clarified that he was asking me to go have an actual beverage.
Anyway, I don't see William much anymore, which is working out alright so far. I drink tea alone or with friends, occasionally having a private giggle at the story behind this enticingly hot beverage.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Walking brings me joy
I noticed that woodpeckers live in our power poles, right near the prayer of St. Francis. I walk up and read this prayer for peace every day, now that I have discovered it has been placed in a wall near the monastery of poor clares near the Mission. I looked up to find a baby woodpecker poking its head out, while the older ones flew out. Woodpeckers are beautiful.
Today, I saw a different kind of bird pecking at its reflection in a car mirror. I think this bird believed there was another bird staring back at him, and he kept fighting it, then he'd fly away. I hope he figured out the bird who was staring at was him.
I just discovered a sticker on a pole near the Mission, at the bike lane. Here's what it says:
"You must empty a box before you fill it again."
Well said.
Today, I saw a different kind of bird pecking at its reflection in a car mirror. I think this bird believed there was another bird staring back at him, and he kept fighting it, then he'd fly away. I hope he figured out the bird who was staring at was him.
I just discovered a sticker on a pole near the Mission, at the bike lane. Here's what it says:
"You must empty a box before you fill it again."
Well said.
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