Sunday, May 11, 2008
I had a lovely Mother's Day dinner at the folks' house tonight. We talked for an hour or so about various topics, beginning with my sneaking out as a teen and ending with christian with a little "c".
So here's the story. I only snuck out of my bedroom window once. After that, my dad simply screwed it in place so I could not even open the window. I was probably around 15 years old at the time, just starting to get a little crazy, but not so bad that I got arrested or injured...yet. That was not until I became a legal adult. Anyway, it astounds me that I didn't just take out the screw. Maybe I was scared of getting busted for taking it out, or worried I wouldn't be able to replace it? It also surprises me that I didn't use the front door. That is all I remember doing, although the memory of the window came back upon reflection.
My mom asked me tonight if I remembered the bells on the front door. I was drawing a total blank. She told me that they nailed an old macrame wall hanging above the door (I remember it as a plant holder actually) so the bells attached to it would sound if I snuck out. I think this is hilarious, imagining some ugly macrame whatever thing over the door to deter their wayward teen from sneaking out. Instead of confrontation, they used tactics that would (conceivably) prevent me from leaving. Tonight, I referred to this as "natural consequences". They usually had no problem with confronting me about this kind of stuff, as I recall. But perhaps what I remember is young adulthood, when I bounced in and out of living there and just came and went through the front door. The bells were gone by then for sure.
The other challenge I had was when my mom would be awake, watching TV, after getting a call from a patient. She often would have trouble getting back to sleep, and was up at all hours at times, in the living room near the front door. In my 20s, I would do the walk of shame, reeking of booze at 3-4am, disappointed that I couldn't make food. When I could make something to nibble on, it was a full course meal of cheap elbow macaroni and tomato paste, seasoned with lots of spices.
My mom asked me where I went when I snuck out. As an adult, I told her a few likely places without hesitation. We usually went down to a place in Carpinteria (CA) called the Square, above the beach. Sometimes we went to State Park, and other times down to Shit Creek, as we so lovingly called the creek near our shores. Carpas, or Carp (Carpinteria for short) is a small town, so everyone knows everyone and everything you're doing. My parents didn't know the details, but I am sure they could have guessed that there was drinking involved. I am not sure if the vomiting and confusion set in until age 17, but there was definitely beer and boys. Actually, I was hanging with men in their late 20s, early 30s. Not such a good scene, in fact.
As I ought to get into my cozy bed soon, I will tell you about the christian with a little "c" part of this story. My mom was brought up Jewish, and does not practice any formal religion. Although we celebrate Passover and Hannukah, we are not orthodox and have never been to temple. My dad has a Christian upbringing, his parents following the King James Version of the Bible. I went to Protestant church as a wee child, but do not currently attend any congregation. My mom has claimed over the years to be an atheist. One time she did qualify as spiritual, however. I totally understand this. Anyway, we were discussing religion and all its aspects, all the way from Religious Serpent Handling in the Pentacostal churches of West Virginia, to ancient history, to Catholicism vs. all other Christian sects. Specifically, my mom was referring to those in the Catholic Church suffering through this life, with the belief that the after life will be better, and the others' belief in being good in this life.
I believe in the power of being completely in the present moment. The Universe, power greater than ourselves, or what some call God, takes care of the rest. I believe in consequences for our behavior, that either will serve us or will not. I want to remember daily that all beings want to be free from suffering and want happiness, that compassion for others is paramount.
That being said, my mom's closing thoughts on the subject were, "I believe in being christian with a little c. You know, living by the Ten Commandments." She was saying that a good life did involve some rules, but that all we need to worry about is being kind to one another. Nice. I like that kind of simplicity.
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Monday, May 12, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
The Sound of Silence
Last Wednesday, I participated in the Day Of Silence, which honors those being silenced by harrassment and violence every day in the GLBT community. Lawrence King, a 15 year old Oxnard boy, was one of these people. He was shot by a classmate for being homosexual and gender expression. If you would like to know more about this, please visit this website: http://dayofsilence.org/
I am rarely silent. I have plenty to share, and talk all the time. I always have something to say. Being completely silent (save a few accidental peeps) for about 5 hours was a spiritual experience for me. I plan on being silent once a week now, for a full day or at least a partial day. I found myself able to pick up on the chatter in the classroom, as well as the lectures. I was really listening. Often, when we have a burning desire to share something, our ears turn off. I found relief in not responding. There were times I would write in a notebook, out of necessity (group work) or to clear confusion about what I was communicating. Other times, I just wrote because I felt like talking. I feel like that was the most difficult part of the experience, because I had to make such an effort.
There are times when saying nothing is better than any words spoken aloud or even written down. I did notice that when I wrote an in class essay on "Love", I could express myself well, as though my thoughts were clearer when freed from the clutter of words spoken.
As I left campus for the day, I entered the freeway to begin my commute back home to Santa Barbara. I attempted to merge, as I noticed a woman driving too fast to let me in swiftly approaching. I had to veer to the right, almost off the road, to avoid her crashing into me. So, the first words out of my mouth were, "Oh my God, what the f*ck are you doing?!"
Once I recovered from the panicky feeling of the potential disaster, I had to laugh. However, I was disappointed that negativity poured out of my voice, after 5 hours of peaceful nonresistant silent time, so I remained silent for another 30 minutes of the drive. This included being mute to Jack Johnson and Ben Harper singing "With My Own Two Hands", but could not hold out for the entire song. It is just too beautiful not to sing along to.
What I thought would have been a challenge became a wonderful learning experience and quite calming. Who would have thought this chatterbox would actually welcome keeping quiet. But I did, and I will again. You may see more blogs from me on those days. I still have lots to share.
*Weekly Challenge*
I encourage any of you to be silent for at least one hour. Find a time when you know you will be uninterupted, and have no prior commitments involving kids or work, etc. Be around people talking. Share how it feels. If you have had a silent retreat before, please share your experiences. Thanks!
Enjoy the weekend all.
I am rarely silent. I have plenty to share, and talk all the time. I always have something to say. Being completely silent (save a few accidental peeps) for about 5 hours was a spiritual experience for me. I plan on being silent once a week now, for a full day or at least a partial day. I found myself able to pick up on the chatter in the classroom, as well as the lectures. I was really listening. Often, when we have a burning desire to share something, our ears turn off. I found relief in not responding. There were times I would write in a notebook, out of necessity (group work) or to clear confusion about what I was communicating. Other times, I just wrote because I felt like talking. I feel like that was the most difficult part of the experience, because I had to make such an effort.
There are times when saying nothing is better than any words spoken aloud or even written down. I did notice that when I wrote an in class essay on "Love", I could express myself well, as though my thoughts were clearer when freed from the clutter of words spoken.
As I left campus for the day, I entered the freeway to begin my commute back home to Santa Barbara. I attempted to merge, as I noticed a woman driving too fast to let me in swiftly approaching. I had to veer to the right, almost off the road, to avoid her crashing into me. So, the first words out of my mouth were, "Oh my God, what the f*ck are you doing?!"
Once I recovered from the panicky feeling of the potential disaster, I had to laugh. However, I was disappointed that negativity poured out of my voice, after 5 hours of peaceful nonresistant silent time, so I remained silent for another 30 minutes of the drive. This included being mute to Jack Johnson and Ben Harper singing "With My Own Two Hands", but could not hold out for the entire song. It is just too beautiful not to sing along to.
What I thought would have been a challenge became a wonderful learning experience and quite calming. Who would have thought this chatterbox would actually welcome keeping quiet. But I did, and I will again. You may see more blogs from me on those days. I still have lots to share.
*Weekly Challenge*
I encourage any of you to be silent for at least one hour. Find a time when you know you will be uninterupted, and have no prior commitments involving kids or work, etc. Be around people talking. Share how it feels. If you have had a silent retreat before, please share your experiences. Thanks!
Enjoy the weekend all.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Reality Bites...Or Does It Simply Blow Kisses?
First things first. I am feeling so in the moment, completely present right now. Such was the case earlier at Trader Joe's. This very angry man I've seen yelling around my neighborhood walked across the driveway, as I was chatting with Mark the petition guy. As a driver waited to leave the lot, the man exclaimed, "Get your f*ckin car off the sidewalk, you bitch!" and he kicked the bumper. He felt offended by this person being in his way.
I really feel for this man. He is completely miserable. He carries multiple bags and appears homeless. His energy is as heavy as the duffle bag he carries. His anger can literally be heard all throughout the town. This is probably not the first time he has caused a scene.
I am a very friendly person. I tend to say hello to everyone I see. Seriously, I leave no one out. I also am aware that people who behave as this man does usually do not get friendly greetings. I held back today, just turning to send him some positive energy. I felt such discomfort left in his wake, and realized that saying "Hi" would not help. Brian, my favorite cashier (BTW he is such a cutie), came out to witness the event. He is from Iowa. I wonder if this is foreign to him, seeing such an upheaval. Anyway, the man is very upset because he is unable to live in the present moment. What he is experiencing is an inability to accept life as it is. This is probably one of the more extreme instances I've witnessed. I believe it is a moment I needed to pay attention to.
This man is not alone. There are so many people on our planet expressing their pain this way. They could all use some good energy. Imagine a world where we all cared for one another, regardless of circumstance. Imagine letting go of all of that anger. Wow. What a relief.
This man illustrated for me what it is like when I am in a state of nonacceptance, wanting to control the uncontrollable. Another issue is one of action. In his case, his choices included waiting, moving around, or walking slowly until s/he drove away. When I accept what IS, all of this is really simple. I don't even have to make an effort to take action or surrender.
Now, if I apply this to a relationship with someone I have had conflict with, it feels more complicated somehow. But is it? Notice I said that I have had conflict with him. I am not currently experiencing any conflict with this person. He is not even in my present space. Oh how I want to make the past and future into the present! I totally relate to the angry man on the street today.
I have been thinking way too hard about past behavior of a particular someone. I judge our current situation with our past. To put this in more understandable language to those of you who have no idea what I am getting at...I was seeing this guy for a couple of years, after 3 months of dating and a break up. Every time we saw each other, we would get intimate. He does not want to date me. I don't want to just sleep with him. We stood at a crossroads. We always do this. We are repeat offenders, continuing the same insanity until we learn something.
Let me say right now that I have flip flopped this around in my head for a few years. I used to engage in behavior with him that did not serve either of us. I no longer do this. I will put space between us. I get angry at him, in his absence (part of the process). He appears in my space, either by supposedly "random" chance (there are no accidents), or on purpose by calling. I get more angry at him for being in my space. Eventually, I come to my own crossroads. I could go yell at him to stop bothering me, tell him he hurt me, blah blah blah. Or...I could forgive him. Whenever I've forgiven before, I get the urge to call him. Inevitably, I feel like kissing him (old behavior). All of this scares me. Fortunately, it's all in my head.
Well, today I realized that I can forgive him and still have boundaries. Every time I let go of expectation of any kind, he and I get along and there is no pain. I am not blind nor stupid. Neither is he. We both know that the way we have been approaching this has not worked. We have both pushed against that, and tried anyway, to no avail. It's time to stop screwing around and show some true love to one another. I have no control over what he does, but I am sick and tired of being angry. I am grateful for a lesson learned. What a blessing. I am ready to love him for who he is, as is. Without fear of attachment issues, without obsession. Just pure love. Unconditionally, just like I love my cats. :)
All we need is love y'all. That is all.
I really feel for this man. He is completely miserable. He carries multiple bags and appears homeless. His energy is as heavy as the duffle bag he carries. His anger can literally be heard all throughout the town. This is probably not the first time he has caused a scene.
I am a very friendly person. I tend to say hello to everyone I see. Seriously, I leave no one out. I also am aware that people who behave as this man does usually do not get friendly greetings. I held back today, just turning to send him some positive energy. I felt such discomfort left in his wake, and realized that saying "Hi" would not help. Brian, my favorite cashier (BTW he is such a cutie), came out to witness the event. He is from Iowa. I wonder if this is foreign to him, seeing such an upheaval. Anyway, the man is very upset because he is unable to live in the present moment. What he is experiencing is an inability to accept life as it is. This is probably one of the more extreme instances I've witnessed. I believe it is a moment I needed to pay attention to.
This man is not alone. There are so many people on our planet expressing their pain this way. They could all use some good energy. Imagine a world where we all cared for one another, regardless of circumstance. Imagine letting go of all of that anger. Wow. What a relief.
This man illustrated for me what it is like when I am in a state of nonacceptance, wanting to control the uncontrollable. Another issue is one of action. In his case, his choices included waiting, moving around, or walking slowly until s/he drove away. When I accept what IS, all of this is really simple. I don't even have to make an effort to take action or surrender.
Now, if I apply this to a relationship with someone I have had conflict with, it feels more complicated somehow. But is it? Notice I said that I have had conflict with him. I am not currently experiencing any conflict with this person. He is not even in my present space. Oh how I want to make the past and future into the present! I totally relate to the angry man on the street today.
I have been thinking way too hard about past behavior of a particular someone. I judge our current situation with our past. To put this in more understandable language to those of you who have no idea what I am getting at...I was seeing this guy for a couple of years, after 3 months of dating and a break up. Every time we saw each other, we would get intimate. He does not want to date me. I don't want to just sleep with him. We stood at a crossroads. We always do this. We are repeat offenders, continuing the same insanity until we learn something.
Let me say right now that I have flip flopped this around in my head for a few years. I used to engage in behavior with him that did not serve either of us. I no longer do this. I will put space between us. I get angry at him, in his absence (part of the process). He appears in my space, either by supposedly "random" chance (there are no accidents), or on purpose by calling. I get more angry at him for being in my space. Eventually, I come to my own crossroads. I could go yell at him to stop bothering me, tell him he hurt me, blah blah blah. Or...I could forgive him. Whenever I've forgiven before, I get the urge to call him. Inevitably, I feel like kissing him (old behavior). All of this scares me. Fortunately, it's all in my head.
Well, today I realized that I can forgive him and still have boundaries. Every time I let go of expectation of any kind, he and I get along and there is no pain. I am not blind nor stupid. Neither is he. We both know that the way we have been approaching this has not worked. We have both pushed against that, and tried anyway, to no avail. It's time to stop screwing around and show some true love to one another. I have no control over what he does, but I am sick and tired of being angry. I am grateful for a lesson learned. What a blessing. I am ready to love him for who he is, as is. Without fear of attachment issues, without obsession. Just pure love. Unconditionally, just like I love my cats. :)
All we need is love y'all. That is all.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Not sure yet...
I want to live my life with complete and utter abandon. That is, I am willing to just let things and people be, including myself! Living with complete abandon is not necessarily being out of control. Actually, what it means to me is I am living fully...free to express my feelings, observe my zillions of thoughts and not be attached to them, and be compassionately honest with myself and everyone around me.
On another seemingly unrelated note...I just read all sorts of opinions on the book by Eckhart Tolle called A New Earth. I got so entrenched by all the negativity and anger spewing forth, it made me just about as frustrated as the person venting. I guess an issue is that people in the Christian faith are offended. Well, some of them. No, correction. One of them. This one woman was posting like crazy about Jesus being our only savior, and we are all sinners, and essentially was mad at Eckhart Tolle, or warning us against him as a false prophet. Oh jeepers.
So of course I had to give her a little peace and love offering. Sometimes I wonder, however, if she can even hear that message, or is just reading it as her opposition to be reckoned with. And is my ego involved in what I told her, or am I truly helping by being calm and serene, and definitely spiritual? OK, I guess if I have to question it, I was not being as spiritual as I had hoped. But my heart was in the right place, clearly. See how our minds can take us where we need not go? Had I not began writing about this, I would have been satisfied with my response to her and moved on. Or not be satisfied, still moving on.
But, alas, I get sucked in. I get thrown into the chaos, and seem to welcome it, perhaps even enjoy it. Hmm. Could this be one of my character challenges. For all friends of Bill, that’s my positive version of "character defects". I just came up with that. You like? I love it.
Anyway, my addiction to drama is still alive and well. Back to this living with complete abandon. I conceptualize this as the ability to live life without the burden of fear that holds so many of us down. This fear causes us to feel pain in our bodies, and our spirits suffer. I am learning to live free from fear.
I have had this overwhelming fear of not doing it right. Here is another one of my character challenges...perfectionism. So today I am writing without any edits, save spelling/grammar fixes...progress, not perfection. Ha ha. I am really good at spotting grammatical errors. I might be a good editor, actually. But this perfectionISM holds me back from fully living. I end up judging myself and others for not being perfect enough.
The spiritual, sane part of me realizes that I am imperfectly perfect, just as I am. So is everyone else. I can be at times so accepting of others, I bring out the best in them. This is beautiful. Simultaneously, I can own my own power and love myself by setting and maintaining boundaries. What a precious gift.
I wrote to this Christian woman that books and language are simply tools. I hope that my tool was used as a way to be of service to her today. I sensed great anger (fear) from her. I relate. Been there, done that.
Again, in regard to living my life with complete abandon (I want to stay on task)...I believe I am getting closer. I have expanded my weekend trips. I used to just go to Blockbuster and Trader Joes’s. I actually went to a First Thursday event at my friend’s spa (which is at this web address, btw... http://www.thehealthgallery.com/ ) and got hemp milk at Lassen’s last week. Oooh, so exciting. Ha ha. Seriously, though, that is progress.
Peace and Love to all of y’all.
On another seemingly unrelated note...I just read all sorts of opinions on the book by Eckhart Tolle called A New Earth. I got so entrenched by all the negativity and anger spewing forth, it made me just about as frustrated as the person venting. I guess an issue is that people in the Christian faith are offended. Well, some of them. No, correction. One of them. This one woman was posting like crazy about Jesus being our only savior, and we are all sinners, and essentially was mad at Eckhart Tolle, or warning us against him as a false prophet. Oh jeepers.
So of course I had to give her a little peace and love offering. Sometimes I wonder, however, if she can even hear that message, or is just reading it as her opposition to be reckoned with. And is my ego involved in what I told her, or am I truly helping by being calm and serene, and definitely spiritual? OK, I guess if I have to question it, I was not being as spiritual as I had hoped. But my heart was in the right place, clearly. See how our minds can take us where we need not go? Had I not began writing about this, I would have been satisfied with my response to her and moved on. Or not be satisfied, still moving on.
But, alas, I get sucked in. I get thrown into the chaos, and seem to welcome it, perhaps even enjoy it. Hmm. Could this be one of my character challenges. For all friends of Bill, that’s my positive version of "character defects". I just came up with that. You like? I love it.
Anyway, my addiction to drama is still alive and well. Back to this living with complete abandon. I conceptualize this as the ability to live life without the burden of fear that holds so many of us down. This fear causes us to feel pain in our bodies, and our spirits suffer. I am learning to live free from fear.
I have had this overwhelming fear of not doing it right. Here is another one of my character challenges...perfectionism. So today I am writing without any edits, save spelling/grammar fixes...progress, not perfection. Ha ha. I am really good at spotting grammatical errors. I might be a good editor, actually. But this perfectionISM holds me back from fully living. I end up judging myself and others for not being perfect enough.
The spiritual, sane part of me realizes that I am imperfectly perfect, just as I am. So is everyone else. I can be at times so accepting of others, I bring out the best in them. This is beautiful. Simultaneously, I can own my own power and love myself by setting and maintaining boundaries. What a precious gift.
I wrote to this Christian woman that books and language are simply tools. I hope that my tool was used as a way to be of service to her today. I sensed great anger (fear) from her. I relate. Been there, done that.
Again, in regard to living my life with complete abandon (I want to stay on task)...I believe I am getting closer. I have expanded my weekend trips. I used to just go to Blockbuster and Trader Joes’s. I actually went to a First Thursday event at my friend’s spa (which is at this web address, btw... http://www.thehealthgallery.com/ ) and got hemp milk at Lassen’s last week. Oooh, so exciting. Ha ha. Seriously, though, that is progress.
Peace and Love to all of y’all.
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