This is my first raspberry of the season, & the first one grown by me! I ought to say it WAS the first, since I ate it already. It was delicious. Raspberries are my favorite fruit. And now, thanks to Chuy at our local farmer's market, I will have them all the time. He was kind enough to offer me a plant of my own last year for a small donation. I am ever so grateful. Yum.

Avatar...

is AWEsome! This is me with my dear friends, awaiting our 3D Avatar experience. I see you. :)

Here is my Benji, the cutest, most wonderful doggie ever. When I took this photo, he was just 4 months old & living at a shelter called DAWG. He came home that day, which was March 29th, 2009; so we decided to make his birthday November 29th. He had a traumatic beginning, found on the side of the road in Lompoc with his sister & mother. They all got adopted. He has had a happy ending in a loving home in Santa Barbara.

There are many more sweet canine companions still waiting for a home. DAWG is open to the public on the weekends, or you can call for an appointment. The volunteers are so dedicated to helping the dogs adjust & stay comfortable. If you are not in a position to adopt, there are lots of opportunities to volunteer or foster a dog. For more info, please visit: http://www.sbdawg.org/

The Sound of Silence

Last Wednesday, I participated in the Day Of Silence, which honors those being silenced by harrassment and violence every day in the GLBT community. Lawrence King, a 15 year old Oxnard boy, was one of these people. He was shot by a classmate for being homosexual and gender expression. If you would like to know more about this, please visit this website: http://dayofsilence.org/

I am rarely silent. I have plenty to share, and talk all the time. I always have something to say. Being completely silent (save a few accidental peeps) for about 5 hours was a spiritual experience for me. I plan on being silent once a week now, for a full day or at least a partial day. I found myself able to pick up on the chatter in the classroom, as well as the lectures. I was really listening. Often, when we have a burning desire to share something, our ears turn off. I found relief in not responding. There were times I would write in a notebook, out of necessity (group work) or to clear confusion about what I was communicating. Other times, I just wrote because I felt like talking. I feel like that was the most difficult part of the experience, because I had to make such an effort.

There are times when saying nothing is better than any words spoken aloud or even written down. I did notice that when I wrote an in class essay on "Love", I could express myself well, as though my thoughts were clearer when freed from the clutter of words spoken.

As I left campus for the day, I entered the freeway to begin my commute back home to Santa Barbara. I attempted to merge, as I noticed a woman driving too fast to let me in swiftly approaching. I had to veer to the right, almost off the road, to avoid her crashing into me. So, the first words out of my mouth were, "Oh my God, what the f*ck are you doing?!"

Once I recovered from the panicky feeling of the potential disaster, I had to laugh. However, I was disappointed that negativity poured out of my voice, after 5 hours of peaceful nonresistant silent time, so I remained silent for another 30 minutes of the drive. This included being mute to Jack Johnson and Ben Harper singing "With My Own Two Hands", but could not hold out for the entire song. It is just too beautiful not to sing along to.

What I thought would have been a challenge became a wonderful learning experience and quite calming. Who would have thought this chatterbox would actually welcome keeping quiet. But I did, and I will again. You may see more blogs from me on those days. I still have lots to share.

*Weekly Challenge*

I encourage any of you to be silent for at least one hour. Find a time when you know you will be uninterupted, and have no prior commitments involving kids or work, etc. Be around people talking. Share how it feels. If you have had a silent retreat before, please share your experiences. Thanks!


Enjoy the weekend all.

Reality Bites...Or Does It Simply Blow Kisses?

First things first. I am feeling so in the moment, completely present right now. Such was the case earlier at Trader Joe's. This very angry man I've seen yelling around my neighborhood walked across the driveway, as I was chatting with Mark the petition guy. As a driver waited to leave the lot, the man exclaimed, "Get your f*ckin car off the sidewalk, you bitch!" and he kicked the bumper. He felt offended by this person being in his way.

I really feel for this man. He is completely miserable. He carries multiple bags and appears homeless. His energy is as heavy as the duffle bag he carries. His anger can literally be heard all throughout the town. This is probably not the first time he has caused a scene.

I am a very friendly person. I tend to say hello to everyone I see. Seriously, I leave no one out. I also am aware that people who behave as this man does usually do not get friendly greetings. I held back today, just turning to send him some positive energy. I felt such discomfort left in his wake, and realized that saying "Hi" would not help. Brian, my favorite cashier (BTW he is such a cutie), came out to witness the event. He is from Iowa. I wonder if this is foreign to him, seeing such an upheaval. Anyway, the man is very upset because he is unable to live in the present moment. What he is experiencing is an inability to accept life as it is. This is probably one of the more extreme instances I've witnessed. I believe it is a moment I needed to pay attention to.

This man is not alone. There are so many people on our planet expressing their pain this way. They could all use some good energy. Imagine a world where we all cared for one another, regardless of circumstance. Imagine letting go of all of that anger. Wow. What a relief.

This man illustrated for me what it is like when I am in a state of nonacceptance, wanting to control the uncontrollable. Another issue is one of action. In his case, his choices included waiting, moving around, or walking slowly until s/he drove away. When I accept what IS, all of this is really simple. I don't even have to make an effort to take action or surrender.

Now, if I apply this to a relationship with someone I have had conflict with, it feels more complicated somehow. But is it? Notice I said that I have had conflict with him. I am not currently experiencing any conflict with this person. He is not even in my present space. Oh how I want to make the past and future into the present! I totally relate to the angry man on the street today.

I have been thinking way too hard about past behavior of a particular someone. I judge our current situation with our past. To put this in more understandable language to those of you who have no idea what I am getting at...I was seeing this guy for a couple of years, after 3 months of dating and a break up. Every time we saw each other, we would get intimate. He does not want to date me. I don't want to just sleep with him. We stood at a crossroads. We always do this. We are repeat offenders, continuing the same insanity until we learn something.

Let me say right now that I have flip flopped this around in my head for a few years. I used to engage in behavior with him that did not serve either of us. I no longer do this. I will put space between us. I get angry at him, in his absence (part of the process). He appears in my space, either by supposedly "random" chance (there are no accidents), or on purpose by calling. I get more angry at him for being in my space. Eventually, I come to my own crossroads. I could go yell at him to stop bothering me, tell him he hurt me, blah blah blah. Or...I could forgive him. Whenever I've forgiven before, I get the urge to call him. Inevitably, I feel like kissing him (old behavior). All of this scares me. Fortunately, it's all in my head.

Well, today I realized that I can forgive him and still have boundaries. Every time I let go of expectation of any kind, he and I get along and there is no pain. I am not blind nor stupid. Neither is he. We both know that the way we have been approaching this has not worked. We have both pushed against that, and tried anyway, to no avail. It's time to stop screwing around and show some true love to one another. I have no control over what he does, but I am sick and tired of being angry. I am grateful for a lesson learned. What a blessing. I am ready to love him for who he is, as is. Without fear of attachment issues, without obsession. Just pure love. Unconditionally, just like I love my cats. :)

All we need is love y'all. That is all.

Service to the Max

As Brea put it, watch me as I do some levitating. :)

I was powering out some school assignments on Tuesday evening when my neighbor Starr came to my door, asking me if I could take her to the ER. She needed a blood transfusion, she said. Whoa. I will spare her privacy and leave out the details, but let’s just say she should not have been walking at all at that point. The doc said she had like 1/3 of the blood that normal folks should have at any given time. They gave her oxygen and saline drip. The blood came later, after a few other procedures and when I had gone.

By the way, I am absolutely fascinated by medical procedures. I love getting blood drawn (or in this case, watching it being done). If I had not made some poor choices made in my past, I would always give blood. Brea, you are so vein! You can give blood for me, ok? Anyway, my curiosity about the ER, coupled by the fact that Starr needed support, kept me hanging out there for about 3 hours. Did I mention that nearly all the staff, esp the men, are totally hot?

The last few times I’ve visited the emergency room has been with friends. I have fortunately never had to go for myself before. Maybe that is partially why I felt completely at ease there. I almost felt like changing careers. Maybe I’ll be a psych nurse. I was especially drawn to the patients. Starr was really nervous, and I was totally calm. She was grateful for the support. I smiled at a woman being cared for in the hall, and felt all warm and fuzzy as she grinned back at me. I took interest in an injured man being guarded by a K9 dog and 2 officers. My curiosity wanted to lead me right over to him and ask what’s up. I held back that urge, as I carefully exited.

Cottage Hospital has free valet parking, which is so foreign to me. Frankly it made me kinda nervous at first. It is convenient though. I waited for what felt like 30 minutes under their canopy in the cold gusty wind. I didn’t eat dinner until 8:30pm. I called Starr’s daughter Tegan, who was staying at her boyfriend’s house for the night. Starr was kept overnight for observation.

Tonight, after a very long day...I helped my other neighbor James jump start his new old 1988 BMW. I was already in PJs and really wanting to settle in with some dinner and a movie. But I helped him first. God knows I’ve had a ton of help pushing my VW back in the day, so I guess I sorta owe. I feel really good being there for others. I also got reminded that sometimes my routine can be shaken up a bit, and I will survive. I talked to my instructor about the paper I had not quite finished, due to the emergency with Starr. He totally understood and is allowing me extra time.

Whew.Now I am ready to take care of Michelle. I am exhausted. Good night.

Not sure yet...

I want to live my life with complete and utter abandon. That is, I am willing to just let things and people be, including myself! Living with complete abandon is not necessarily being out of control. Actually, what it means to me is I am living fully...free to express my feelings, observe my zillions of thoughts and not be attached to them, and be compassionately honest with myself and everyone around me.

On another seemingly unrelated note...I just read all sorts of opinions on the book by Eckhart Tolle called A New Earth. I got so entrenched by all the negativity and anger spewing forth, it made me just about as frustrated as the person venting. I guess an issue is that people in the Christian faith are offended. Well, some of them. No, correction. One of them. This one woman was posting like crazy about Jesus being our only savior, and we are all sinners, and essentially was mad at Eckhart Tolle, or warning us against him as a false prophet. Oh jeepers.

So of course I had to give her a little peace and love offering. Sometimes I wonder, however, if she can even hear that message, or is just reading it as her opposition to be reckoned with. And is my ego involved in what I told her, or am I truly helping by being calm and serene, and definitely spiritual? OK, I guess if I have to question it, I was not being as spiritual as I had hoped. But my heart was in the right place, clearly. See how our minds can take us where we need not go? Had I not began writing about this, I would have been satisfied with my response to her and moved on. Or not be satisfied, still moving on.

But, alas, I get sucked in. I get thrown into the chaos, and seem to welcome it, perhaps even enjoy it. Hmm. Could this be one of my character challenges. For all friends of Bill, that’s my positive version of "character defects". I just came up with that. You like? I love it.

Anyway, my addiction to drama is still alive and well. Back to this living with complete abandon. I conceptualize this as the ability to live life without the burden of fear that holds so many of us down. This fear causes us to feel pain in our bodies, and our spirits suffer. I am learning to live free from fear.

I have had this overwhelming fear of not doing it right. Here is another one of my character challenges...perfectionism. So today I am writing without any edits, save spelling/grammar fixes...progress, not perfection. Ha ha. I am really good at spotting grammatical errors. I might be a good editor, actually. But this perfectionISM holds me back from fully living. I end up judging myself and others for not being perfect enough.

The spiritual, sane part of me realizes that I am imperfectly perfect, just as I am. So is everyone else. I can be at times so accepting of others, I bring out the best in them. This is beautiful. Simultaneously, I can own my own power and love myself by setting and maintaining boundaries. What a precious gift.

I wrote to this Christian woman that books and language are simply tools. I hope that my tool was used as a way to be of service to her today. I sensed great anger (fear) from her. I relate. Been there, done that.

Again, in regard to living my life with complete abandon (I want to stay on task)...I believe I am getting closer. I have expanded my weekend trips. I used to just go to Blockbuster and Trader Joes’s. I actually went to a First Thursday event at my friend’s spa (which is at this web address, btw... http://www.thehealthgallery.com/ ) and got hemp milk at Lassen’s last week. Oooh, so exciting. Ha ha. Seriously, though, that is progress.

Peace and Love to all of y’all.

Information Police in SB?

I went for my walk this morning and noticed a woman tearing down flyers off of power poles. I had actually just been wondering what they might say, as they were across the street too far from view.

I was curious about her reason for doing this. Moreover, I was a little annoyed that she was taking it upon herself to remove what someone obviously wanted others to see. Where does she get off deciding what people should or should not read? Whatever happened to free speech? I eagerly anticipated seeing another flyer. I wanted to know what this was all about. Was she offended? If I were offended by it, would I have removed the flyers too? Perhaps the message was hateful, like a racial epithet.

Then again, freedom of speech includes words we do not all agree with. Hmm.

So, as I walked past Our Lady of Sorrows Catholic Church, I saw a flyer on the ground. This was different (I had seen a graphic of a face on the other ones).

This flyer said the following:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DOES YOUR FAITH ATTACK OTHER RELIGIONS?
___________________________________________
"In addition to being a lover of young boys and men, Jesus was prone to outbursts of temper and hatred." - L.Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology
___________________________________________

LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY

www.bible.ca/scientology-christianity.compared.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I picked it up, I only glanced at the quote, so I believed this to be particularly offensive. Honestly, I believe it is offensive to spread negativity in general, even when exposing someone like L.Ron Hubbard for the ridiculous cult leader that he is. Anyway, I believed I had just stumbled upon the same kind of offensive material I had suspected this woman may have encountered (assuming she was offended). I burst out laughing, knowing that if I were to stand my ground, I would have to leave the other flyers alone. There were several stapled to trees, which was an additional annoyance. I had even said to myself earlier that I was glad the flyers weren’t attached to a tree.

So I kept the one, and left the rest of them on the trees. I do believe in freedom of speech, whether good, bad or indifferent.

I am grateful that I am able to own my power, use my voice to spread a message of peace, love, and compassion for all sentient beings. Even those who want to suppress it.

PS. I do not endorse nor condemn scientology or the belief in Jesus as the Messiah. However, I have strong leanings toward the teachings I’ve heard throughout my life that include messages of love and patience for all humankind. I am sure you can all guess who that might be. It ain’t Ron.

The Miracle of Waiting

There is magic in the space between. The more I chase a dream, the less I see of it. If I pause, and simply wait for the Great Universe to do its thing, everything I ever wanted starts happening. Other times all that I never wanted but definitely need begins to manifest. Isn’t it interesting that we often think we want or need a relationship or situation in our lives to be a certain way, and in fact we need quite another?

Often when I am unwilling to let go of the wishing, wanting, and running after someone or something, I fail to notice the space between. This is when everything is cooking. Some stuff needs to simmer a while to become full of delicious flavor, as intended.

Another miracle I get to witness these days is the result of my taking action. Sometimes we wonder when we will see the outcome of what we made happen. Well, I can see that I plant seeds. I tend to this garden we call life, and I can’t always see what will grow. Wait for it...I have been saying this to myself, as a gentle reminder to stay patient.

So this is why the concept of one day at a time always works. I may have goals and plans, but on a daily basis, I let go and focus on the here and now.

Today, I got a phone call. Tonight at 10:20pm, in fact. He called me drunk, and said he wants to get sober. I let him sleep it off, telling him to call in the morning. I called a couple of guys to see about going to a meeting tomorrow. I have waited for that call for a very long time. I heard the desperation in his voice, which I am familiar with on a cellular level. This brings me hope, as I found that desperation and utter despair to be the greatest gift I have ever received.

I am so grateful to be safe, sane, and sober. I am grateful to love myself, so that others may benefit.

Peace and Love my family. :)

4 years and 358 days...

Next week, on March 8, 2008, I will have 5 continuous years of sobriety. That's 1,825 days.

My life has changed so dramatically between now and then, sometimes it's difficult to articulate. I have a completely different outlook on life. I treat myself and others with love, respect, and dignity. That was not my story 5 years ago. I have the ability to accept what IS, and let go of what is NOT, most days. I am powerless over alcohol and drugs, yet I can own my own power to live fully without resorting to using them as a coping tool. I have a new set of tools today. I ask for help when needed, and give help when I can. I am growing into the person I am meant to be.
I am in the process of a spiritual exfoliation. This includes letting go of old stuff, in every sense of the word. I have chosen today to clean out my closet, and other areas of clutter. This is symbolic of opening up my heart to the life I have always wanted, but have often denied myself in the past. I am ready to empty out all of what I used to hold onto for fear I may fall apart. I can allow myself to breathe in the space I create, so that may let love in. I have been closed for way too long.

In our 12 step fellowship, some may say that I am no longer a newcomer. That being said, it is time to be even more accountable, and grow up. I never realized that growing up is hard to do, even for a grown woman. What I thought was a near mid-life crisis is really essential growth. It's time to move past my old relationship patterns, and prepare for a true life partnership. I have yearned for this, yet I have been incapable of letting go of my old behavior. Now I am so ready, my eyelashes are burning, my toenails hurt, and my hair is itching. I guess the point has been made abundantly clear.

Anyway, life is good. Thank you for letting me share this important turning point.

Much love to all.

Celebrating Life

I attended a memorial today, with a long reception following, filled with family and friends. We joined together to remember my friend's father, he himself unable to remember much in the last 14 years. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 1994. Riki came home to care for him alongside his mother, May, spending every day with him for the last 7 years. His name was Masanori Matsumura, and everyone called him Mas.

I met Riki's dad a few times through the years, but mostly we just said hello here and there and didn't talk much. Riki and my brother John were friends all through high school, so I didn't know Riki and his family too well.

Well, the last time I saw Mas was December 21st, 2007, just after Riki and I went to lunch. Mas was bundled up in blankets, eyes closed and watery. He had hiccups, which seemed to bother him. Riki and May played word games, rhyming with him to prompt words to come forth. Well, he said my name, in response to Riki singing "Michelle, my belle!" I was touched by this moment, witnessing an every day miracle. It was so powerful to watch this beautiful family staying connected. My visit was indescribably wonderful. I held hands with Mas, kissing him on the cheek as I said Goodbye. 3 weeks later, he let go. Now he is at peace.

As I watched the video that Riki produced, replete with childhood pictures, music, and tender words of love spoken to his "darling May", tears rolled down my face, as was the case with most of us. Laughter escaped our trembling lips, as Riki slipped in some very well placed humor for our hearts to smile. I saw pictures of Mas with his brother and sister, and then watched as Riki and his sisters appeared, closer than ever. Later, at the house, I was privileged to meet the entire Matsumura family present. Everyone was completely real, with smiles and tears abound. We had plenty of food and conversation, talking for hours. I watched Riki play with Lucy, friend Mary's 3 year old daughter. She proclaimed he'd play the daddy and she'd be the baby, and then they would switch. They adore each other, and I noticed how good he connects with kids.

I didn't want to leave early as I previously predicted. I skipped my class, and stayed until 8pm. When I did go, the remaining family members walked me to my car at the church around the corner. At one point, May and I walked arm and arm alone in the dark, and Riki joined us to ensure our safety. He reminded me of the flowers I had forgotten, having brought them to me. We all said our goodbyes, and I went home feeling warm and tired in the cold, winter night. Away from city lights, the stars shone brightly, sending us well wishes as changes come.

I have some personal changes happening lately, but I cannot imagine what it must feel like to suddenly have all this freedom to choose what to do for the day, when just weeks ago, Mas needed constant care. What does this mean for Riki, who put his adult life on hold for the past 7 years? Where will life lead him now?

I have fallen in love. I adore Riki and his entire family. This is one of those moments when I have to wonder...Why haven't I noticed this incredibly amazing person before? Such humility is often overlooked. He quietly and graciously put aside all that matters to him in his personal life to be with his father. He pursued his interests in film, yet within a limited capacity. Now he can plunge into the deep pool of life again. I hope I will be there when he does.

This I know for certain: I am grateful for being fully present today, able to be there for Riki, May, and the rest of the family. What an experience.

Peace and love to all of you!

~~Masanori "Mas" Matsumura~~
~August 16th, 1937-January 12th, 2008~