There is magic in the space between. The more I chase a dream, the less I see of it. If I pause, and simply wait for the Great Universe to do its thing, everything I ever wanted starts happening. Other times all that I never wanted but definitely need begins to manifest. Isn’t it interesting that we often think we want or need a relationship or situation in our lives to be a certain way, and in fact we need quite another?
Often when I am unwilling to let go of the wishing, wanting, and running after someone or something, I fail to notice the space between. This is when everything is cooking. Some stuff needs to simmer a while to become full of delicious flavor, as intended.
Another miracle I get to witness these days is the result of my taking action. Sometimes we wonder when we will see the outcome of what we made happen. Well, I can see that I plant seeds. I tend to this garden we call life, and I can’t always see what will grow. Wait for it...I have been saying this to myself, as a gentle reminder to stay patient.
So this is why the concept of one day at a time always works. I may have goals and plans, but on a daily basis, I let go and focus on the here and now.
Today, I got a phone call. Tonight at 10:20pm, in fact. He called me drunk, and said he wants to get sober. I let him sleep it off, telling him to call in the morning. I called a couple of guys to see about going to a meeting tomorrow. I have waited for that call for a very long time. I heard the desperation in his voice, which I am familiar with on a cellular level. This brings me hope, as I found that desperation and utter despair to be the greatest gift I have ever received.
I am so grateful to be safe, sane, and sober. I am grateful to love myself, so that others may benefit.
Peace and Love my family. :)
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Funny Stuff
Every Friday, I attend a class called Bizarre Behavior. Today, we had a guest lecturer, Dr. Rainer Buschman, talk about zombies. Yes, I am learning about zombies in college. Psychology is such an interesting science. We get to learn every possible situation a human will find themselves in.
He included a cartoon in his slides that had a picture of 2-3 zombies sitting together. One of them proclaimed, "Whoa...I just had a near life experience." Under the picture is a heading: Zombie Encounter Group. That really tickled my funny bone for some reason.
And...I could not stop laughing until the extreme violence of the film "28 Days Later" shut me down. Up to that moment, I had the giggles for most of his lecture. He showed clips of "Dawn of the Dead". This movie has some of the worst acting I have ever witnessed. He also showed a list of instructions to avert the imminent threat of zombies.
Although his lecture was a bit long, he kept us entertained. I learned that zombies originates from the Voodoo religion. I also discovered that I am an Animist. He described animism as belief that everything has a spirit.
I could go on, but I think I’ve had enough zombie for today. :)
He included a cartoon in his slides that had a picture of 2-3 zombies sitting together. One of them proclaimed, "Whoa...I just had a near life experience." Under the picture is a heading: Zombie Encounter Group. That really tickled my funny bone for some reason.
And...I could not stop laughing until the extreme violence of the film "28 Days Later" shut me down. Up to that moment, I had the giggles for most of his lecture. He showed clips of "Dawn of the Dead". This movie has some of the worst acting I have ever witnessed. He also showed a list of instructions to avert the imminent threat of zombies.
Although his lecture was a bit long, he kept us entertained. I learned that zombies originates from the Voodoo religion. I also discovered that I am an Animist. He described animism as belief that everything has a spirit.
I could go on, but I think I’ve had enough zombie for today. :)
Reflections On A Blog Reflecting Bad News
I keep reading my friend’s blogs. I never really talk to him anymore. We dated briefly, when I lived on Robbie Circle. I thought this was cute, since that’s his name (only without the "e" at the end). I just check his MySpace now, since he no longer calls or emails me. His blogs are going beyond the usual tortured artist rants, and entering into what I can only view as deep, painful bouts of depression.
Is expression of painful feelings by way of cyberspace really helping him, or anyone for that matter? Can relief be found from this?
Well, I know that writing brings me relief. So I suppose it helps for him to vent. But all I observe from this person is a reflection of his life as a living hell, with tiny glimpses of blue skies now and then.
I want to make him all better. I know that I cannot. This is my issue. I got over being ignored by him a while ago. Now I just want the best for him, even if we never speak again. I wish for him to find peace, whatever that means for him.
I used to call him my little gothic boy, and he would call me kid. He was always kind to me, and is a good man. This I know, even with some fuzzy memories filled with question marks. It feels like ages ago, and just yesterday all at once. Again, I meet my past with a clarity I never had then. One more time, I get the sense that it is time to take a look at reality with fresh eyes. I guess I will find my own peace there.
Is expression of painful feelings by way of cyberspace really helping him, or anyone for that matter? Can relief be found from this?
Well, I know that writing brings me relief. So I suppose it helps for him to vent. But all I observe from this person is a reflection of his life as a living hell, with tiny glimpses of blue skies now and then.
I want to make him all better. I know that I cannot. This is my issue. I got over being ignored by him a while ago. Now I just want the best for him, even if we never speak again. I wish for him to find peace, whatever that means for him.
I used to call him my little gothic boy, and he would call me kid. He was always kind to me, and is a good man. This I know, even with some fuzzy memories filled with question marks. It feels like ages ago, and just yesterday all at once. Again, I meet my past with a clarity I never had then. One more time, I get the sense that it is time to take a look at reality with fresh eyes. I guess I will find my own peace there.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Getting Unstuck Really Sucks
I have a pet peeve. It’s all about labels, security devices, and price tags in all the wrong places.
Last Friday I bought a Pyrex glass baking pan. The label affixed to the inside was nearly impossible to remove without some huge effort on my part. This involved a butter knife and a bad attitude. I was embarking on a new recipe for some eggplant parmesan I had never made before. I was taking a cake at the 8pm meeting. It was nearing 6pm. I was nervous. This was not what I signed up for.
I have been harboring a resentment towards this sticky label business for a while now. Grrr.
A couple of days before this, I was about to cook some stir fry with a wok my mom bought me from Ross for Christmas. The price tag was stuck to the bottom, and could not be removed without Goo Be Gone and some hatred toward Ross and all the lack of forethought behind labelling on cookware. What were they thinking? Goo Be Gone contains petroleum. Because of this, I use it sparingly if at all, and would never find myself using it on the bottom of a pan that will soon have fire beneath it. I suppose it was better than merely burning off the label. Hrmph.
Just a week previous to all this baloney, I decided to finally open a DVD I have had for a year or so. Office Space is funny, and this one I acquired was labelled as a "Special Edition". I found 3 separate security tapes around it. Apparently, this was so special it required a little added security. I needed a knife to open the case. Geez.
During this week, I casually began to peel the package of Trader Joe’s turkey slices. I tend to bring it almost immediately to my teeth, as this is harder than it appears. I am usually stubborn enough to keep chewing on the damn thing, and it eventually opens. This time was a no go. I yanked a knife out and sliced the package, feeling liberated.
The question that always comes to mind is this: Are we protecting ourselves from each other or ourselves? We have gone too far. Will we soon have security devices stuck on our bodies? Will we have celophane wrapping on each individual strawberry to protect us from poisons and germs? Will all the store shelves be locked to prevent stealing? We are paranoid, filled with fear that paralyzes us from fully living.
Life is messy. I plan on enjoying whatever risks come my way. I take precautions within reason. Then I let the rest go. Eventually I can also claim surrender to this obsession we have with sticky stuff.
Last Friday I bought a Pyrex glass baking pan. The label affixed to the inside was nearly impossible to remove without some huge effort on my part. This involved a butter knife and a bad attitude. I was embarking on a new recipe for some eggplant parmesan I had never made before. I was taking a cake at the 8pm meeting. It was nearing 6pm. I was nervous. This was not what I signed up for.
I have been harboring a resentment towards this sticky label business for a while now. Grrr.
A couple of days before this, I was about to cook some stir fry with a wok my mom bought me from Ross for Christmas. The price tag was stuck to the bottom, and could not be removed without Goo Be Gone and some hatred toward Ross and all the lack of forethought behind labelling on cookware. What were they thinking? Goo Be Gone contains petroleum. Because of this, I use it sparingly if at all, and would never find myself using it on the bottom of a pan that will soon have fire beneath it. I suppose it was better than merely burning off the label. Hrmph.
Just a week previous to all this baloney, I decided to finally open a DVD I have had for a year or so. Office Space is funny, and this one I acquired was labelled as a "Special Edition". I found 3 separate security tapes around it. Apparently, this was so special it required a little added security. I needed a knife to open the case. Geez.
During this week, I casually began to peel the package of Trader Joe’s turkey slices. I tend to bring it almost immediately to my teeth, as this is harder than it appears. I am usually stubborn enough to keep chewing on the damn thing, and it eventually opens. This time was a no go. I yanked a knife out and sliced the package, feeling liberated.
The question that always comes to mind is this: Are we protecting ourselves from each other or ourselves? We have gone too far. Will we soon have security devices stuck on our bodies? Will we have celophane wrapping on each individual strawberry to protect us from poisons and germs? Will all the store shelves be locked to prevent stealing? We are paranoid, filled with fear that paralyzes us from fully living.
Life is messy. I plan on enjoying whatever risks come my way. I take precautions within reason. Then I let the rest go. Eventually I can also claim surrender to this obsession we have with sticky stuff.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Inertia VS Momentum
AAAAHHHHH!!!!
OK, now that I have expressed my frustration properly, here is what's up.
I had a full day to work on some projects, some studying I need to get done so I can relax and enjoy a movie with my friend Riki tonight. I began with a run this morning at around 8am, and returned by 9ish. I did some simple chores, took a shower, ate breakfast. I literally YELLED at the guy YELLING next door to stop YELLING! This looks so funny in print, but I was so not laughing at the time. I yelled, "Con permiso, no MAS!". I actually feel quite proud of myself lately, regarding the workers next door. There is a lot of daily commotion, most of which I can do nothing about. But there are some things I just don't say anything about that could be different, like music blaring on a weekend at 8am!
Well, the other day, I asked politely, en espanol, for them to please turn the music down when it is early morning on a Sunday. The young man nodded, and proceeded to turn it down until a reasonable hour. I felt so good about this. But today, I lost my cool. The guy was yelling "Propio!" several times, trying to get his attention apparently, because it was time to take a break. It was 10am. How rude! I grumbled. Even after I yelled for him to stop, he continued. I guess he finally found his friend, or actually answered my plea, 'cause he eventually put an end to the hollering (until around 1pm when he had to get one more in).
Once I got over that, I decided to balance my check book. Not a bad idea, but I was avoiding my tasks at hand, which I am doing right now. I have a full laundry basket just waiting to be taken for a wash, rinse, and spin. I have incompleted flash cards for my least favorite statistics course.
I also have a paper I haven't started on the Premack Principle, which ironically enough has to do with what is happening now. Our instructor used a plate of food as an analogy. If there is some spinach, potatoes, and chocolate cake on the plate, what I am doing right now is eating the cake before my spinach. On Saturday, I ate spinach first (did my HW), and was able to thoroughly enjoy my cake, which was free time outside in the sunshine. Our assignment involves the changing of a habit, using this principle, and writing about it. I suppose I could say I am doing research right now. Or...it's just that damned inertia, moving me nowhere, keeping me stagnant, preventing me from fully living. Yep, that could be it, too.
Once again, I begin to feel a sense of impending doom, whenever I have such a loose plan for the day. Grrrr. Additionally, I am caught between simply writing for a living, and doing all the other psych crap in front of me first. Creative writing is my chocolate cake at the moment, with psychology being the spinach. Even more ironic is the fact that I eat a delicious spinach salad every day for lunch.
Alright, I am going to start....NOW! My momentum just magically kicked in, as I noticed that it is already 12:45pm. Yikes.
OK, now that I have expressed my frustration properly, here is what's up.
I had a full day to work on some projects, some studying I need to get done so I can relax and enjoy a movie with my friend Riki tonight. I began with a run this morning at around 8am, and returned by 9ish. I did some simple chores, took a shower, ate breakfast. I literally YELLED at the guy YELLING next door to stop YELLING! This looks so funny in print, but I was so not laughing at the time. I yelled, "Con permiso, no MAS!". I actually feel quite proud of myself lately, regarding the workers next door. There is a lot of daily commotion, most of which I can do nothing about. But there are some things I just don't say anything about that could be different, like music blaring on a weekend at 8am!
Well, the other day, I asked politely, en espanol, for them to please turn the music down when it is early morning on a Sunday. The young man nodded, and proceeded to turn it down until a reasonable hour. I felt so good about this. But today, I lost my cool. The guy was yelling "Propio!" several times, trying to get his attention apparently, because it was time to take a break. It was 10am. How rude! I grumbled. Even after I yelled for him to stop, he continued. I guess he finally found his friend, or actually answered my plea, 'cause he eventually put an end to the hollering (until around 1pm when he had to get one more in).
Once I got over that, I decided to balance my check book. Not a bad idea, but I was avoiding my tasks at hand, which I am doing right now. I have a full laundry basket just waiting to be taken for a wash, rinse, and spin. I have incompleted flash cards for my least favorite statistics course.
I also have a paper I haven't started on the Premack Principle, which ironically enough has to do with what is happening now. Our instructor used a plate of food as an analogy. If there is some spinach, potatoes, and chocolate cake on the plate, what I am doing right now is eating the cake before my spinach. On Saturday, I ate spinach first (did my HW), and was able to thoroughly enjoy my cake, which was free time outside in the sunshine. Our assignment involves the changing of a habit, using this principle, and writing about it. I suppose I could say I am doing research right now. Or...it's just that damned inertia, moving me nowhere, keeping me stagnant, preventing me from fully living. Yep, that could be it, too.
Once again, I begin to feel a sense of impending doom, whenever I have such a loose plan for the day. Grrrr. Additionally, I am caught between simply writing for a living, and doing all the other psych crap in front of me first. Creative writing is my chocolate cake at the moment, with psychology being the spinach. Even more ironic is the fact that I eat a delicious spinach salad every day for lunch.
Alright, I am going to start....NOW! My momentum just magically kicked in, as I noticed that it is already 12:45pm. Yikes.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
5 Things
Here are 5 things that are different from 5 years ago:
1) I love and value myself. I ask for help when needed, and help others in need.
2) I actually enjoy eating spinach salads, and all sorts of fruits and veggies. Chocolate is really one of my only vices. My fave, dark chocolate, is said to be good for you. I am very healthy.
3) I laugh when I inhale a bug on a morning run...Mmm, protein. Oh yea, and I run, by choice. Unflippinbelievable.
4) I typically get between 7-9 hours of sleep per night. I awaken very early in the morning, between 5-7am. Wow.
5) I am truly grateful to be in school and without a job.
OK, there are way more than 5 things different about my life since 5 years have past...But I am aware that about 5 items will hold your attention, and that hasn't changed all that much...I still love attention! ;)
Hope you all enjoyed today! I sure did.
1) I love and value myself. I ask for help when needed, and help others in need.
2) I actually enjoy eating spinach salads, and all sorts of fruits and veggies. Chocolate is really one of my only vices. My fave, dark chocolate, is said to be good for you. I am very healthy.
3) I laugh when I inhale a bug on a morning run...Mmm, protein. Oh yea, and I run, by choice. Unflippinbelievable.
4) I typically get between 7-9 hours of sleep per night. I awaken very early in the morning, between 5-7am. Wow.
5) I am truly grateful to be in school and without a job.
OK, there are way more than 5 things different about my life since 5 years have past...But I am aware that about 5 items will hold your attention, and that hasn't changed all that much...I still love attention! ;)
Hope you all enjoyed today! I sure did.
Monday, March 3, 2008
The Eyes Have It
So, I went to the eye doctor today at 2pm. My eyes are still kinda dilated, round like saucers. I usually love getting those drops that are reminiscent of belladonna, which ladies would use to attract a man back in some other century (18th perhaps?). I think I look pretty sexy with huge pupils, especially now that I have them as a sober person. This pupil thing has been studied, you see. Apparently, when we are attracted to someone, our pupils enlarge. This will tend to interest the other person, because everyone appreciates being liked, and most people will find them interesting as a result. This is typically what I think about when I have visited the eye doctor. I enjoy going out in public on these days, as a rule choosing to stroll where I can easily see and be seen. ;)
Well, today was not one of those days. I am extremely near sighted. When my eyes get dilated, however, I am extremely far-sighted, leaving me blurry and just plain weird sighted up to about 4 feet. While cautiously driving home, I realized my most important task for the day must be put aside for later...my studying! I was so annoyed that I had not thought this through. My usual excitement faded, as I became less and less enamored by my sultry eyes. Grrr.
So I did what I do best in these situations. I fiddled, I fumbled, and ended up putting old photos in an album. This was actually kinda fun. And now, I must put these tired eyes to rest. They have been wide open for a bit too long. Good night all.
Well, today was not one of those days. I am extremely near sighted. When my eyes get dilated, however, I am extremely far-sighted, leaving me blurry and just plain weird sighted up to about 4 feet. While cautiously driving home, I realized my most important task for the day must be put aside for later...my studying! I was so annoyed that I had not thought this through. My usual excitement faded, as I became less and less enamored by my sultry eyes. Grrr.
So I did what I do best in these situations. I fiddled, I fumbled, and ended up putting old photos in an album. This was actually kinda fun. And now, I must put these tired eyes to rest. They have been wide open for a bit too long. Good night all.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
4 years and 358 days...
Next week, on March 8, 2008, I will have 5 continuous years of sobriety. That's 1,825 days.
My life has changed so dramatically between now and then, sometimes it's difficult to articulate. I have a completely different outlook on life. I treat myself and others with love, respect, and dignity. That was not my story 5 years ago. I have the ability to accept what IS, and let go of what is NOT, most days. I am powerless over alcohol and drugs, yet I can own my own power to live fully without resorting to using them as a coping tool. I have a new set of tools today. I ask for help when needed, and give help when I can. I am growing into the person I am meant to be.
I am in the process of a spiritual exfoliation. This includes letting go of old stuff, in every sense of the word. I have chosen today to clean out my closet, and other areas of clutter. This is symbolic of opening up my heart to the life I have always wanted, but have often denied myself in the past. I am ready to empty out all of what I used to hold onto for fear I may fall apart. I can allow myself to breathe in the space I create, so that may let love in. I have been closed for way too long.
In our 12 step fellowship, some may say that I am no longer a newcomer. That being said, it is time to be even more accountable, and grow up. I never realized that growing up is hard to do, even for a grown woman. What I thought was a near mid-life crisis is really essential growth. It's time to move past my old relationship patterns, and prepare for a true life partnership. I have yearned for this, yet I have been incapable of letting go of my old behavior. Now I am so ready, my eyelashes are burning, my toenails hurt, and my hair is itching. I guess the point has been made abundantly clear.
Anyway, life is good. Thank you for letting me share this important turning point.
Much love to all.
My life has changed so dramatically between now and then, sometimes it's difficult to articulate. I have a completely different outlook on life. I treat myself and others with love, respect, and dignity. That was not my story 5 years ago. I have the ability to accept what IS, and let go of what is NOT, most days. I am powerless over alcohol and drugs, yet I can own my own power to live fully without resorting to using them as a coping tool. I have a new set of tools today. I ask for help when needed, and give help when I can. I am growing into the person I am meant to be.
I am in the process of a spiritual exfoliation. This includes letting go of old stuff, in every sense of the word. I have chosen today to clean out my closet, and other areas of clutter. This is symbolic of opening up my heart to the life I have always wanted, but have often denied myself in the past. I am ready to empty out all of what I used to hold onto for fear I may fall apart. I can allow myself to breathe in the space I create, so that may let love in. I have been closed for way too long.
In our 12 step fellowship, some may say that I am no longer a newcomer. That being said, it is time to be even more accountable, and grow up. I never realized that growing up is hard to do, even for a grown woman. What I thought was a near mid-life crisis is really essential growth. It's time to move past my old relationship patterns, and prepare for a true life partnership. I have yearned for this, yet I have been incapable of letting go of my old behavior. Now I am so ready, my eyelashes are burning, my toenails hurt, and my hair is itching. I guess the point has been made abundantly clear.
Anyway, life is good. Thank you for letting me share this important turning point.
Much love to all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)