There's a Paradox in every paradigm

THE PARADOX OF OUR AGE

We have bigger house but smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgement;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicines, but less healthiness;
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We built more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication;
We have become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are times of fast foods but slow digestion;
tall man but short character;
steep profits but shallow relationships.
It's a time when there is much in the window, but little in the room.

~His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Walking brings me joy

I noticed that woodpeckers live in our power poles, right near the prayer of St. Francis. I walk up and read this prayer for peace every day, now that I have discovered it has been placed in a wall near the monastery of poor clares near the Mission. I looked up to find a baby woodpecker poking its head out, while the older ones flew out. Woodpeckers are beautiful.

Today, I saw a different kind of bird pecking at its reflection in a car mirror. I think this bird believed there was another bird staring back at him, and he kept fighting it, then he'd fly away. I hope he figured out the bird who was staring at was him.

I just discovered a sticker on a pole near the Mission, at the bike lane. Here's what it says:

"You must empty a box before you fill it again."

Well said.

Here are my kitties ;)

Delilah & Moses

Sophie Delilah & Moses

Lucho

Sophie

Have a buddha-full day! :)

Domesticated roosters and Compost Elimination

A couple of days ago, I walked by my favorite little blue house on Padre Street, and saw a man removing leaves from the ivy that grows out front near the sidewalk. This struck me as amusing for 2 reasons:

1) he was removing valuable compost that helps the ivy grow healthily, as if it were harmful somehow, and...
2) he was stepping all over it while doing the removal!

We smiled and nodded hello to eachother, as I resisted the urge to stop him from his duties, insisting that the leaves were meant to stay there, and why are you traumatizing these unfortunate plants?!

The next day, I changed my route only slightly, and noticed a row of lovely rose bushes in front of a huge estate like home on Garden Street. When I finished sniffing the roses, I looked up to find a rooster in the driveway. Then, I saw 2 other interesting foul, who I believe to also be roosters of a different breed. I had never seen such beautiful chickens. I should research the net to find a suitable picture, because a description by me just won't explain. They were domesticated to the point of just pecking around the open driveway and grounds, looking for a morsel or two, possibly bug hunting. I don't know anyone around downtown SB who would keep chickens in their yard. I think that's cool.

Peace to all...Enjoy the sunshine!

Michelle :)

Rainy Day Ramblings

Oh, how I love the rain!

I took my usual morning walk up to the Mission, in the not so usual pouring rain. It was glorious! I really enjoy experiencing "extreme" weather, especially here in Santa Barbara, where we rarely get any of that (hence the quotes around extreme, as this is all relative to where you live).

I saw a little girl dressed from head to toe in pink...she had galoshes, of course, and wore a raincoat with cat's ears on top. She also had the cutest pink umbrella, with a kittie tail and "meow!" emblazoned on it. She was splashing in a puddle on the side of the road. Her mother had matching umbrella and galoshes as well. Hers were white with different colored flowers. So cute.

I asked the girl if she had any kittie cats. Her mother replied that they have a dog, but they used to have a cat. I asked how it was to have the dog. She said the cat was just wonderful...better than any man. She chuckled, as did I. Then, I went on my way, wishing them well. Perhaps she is a single mom? Or is she a bit jaded? What a revealing statement, yes? She was quite pleasant to chat with, and seemed easy going. But that statement was so loaded. We often don't realize how much we tell when we speak. It felt so personal, as though she just told me what was missing in her last relationship.

That's enough outta me tonight. Gotta change it up. Maybe I'll watch the movie I began before becoming distracted by blogging. It's called "Persona"...strange Swedish film. I am not sure what I think of it yet. I currently have a facial mask drying on my face, which is appropos. It's time to wash it off, revealing the true face of Michelle. What a beautiful thing, to be real. I'll share more about this new breakthrough another time.

Good nite cyber world. :)

On excavating and space clearing in the wintertime

I love it when Santa Barbara actually gets some weather. You know, when it isn't a comfortable 70 degrees, with a slight ocean breeze. I feel so cozy this evening. And I love the pitter patter of falling rain. I was really cold pretty much all day. Now I get to cuddle up by my gas heater in my PJs and look at old photographs. I decided to do some spring cleaning in the wintertime, since I have a lengthy vacation from school. It's time to toss out the old, and bring in the new. I am feeling the winds of change lately, not just with stuff. But I do believe that my literal stuff coincides with my inner stuff, and cleaning it out and clearing it up is just the thing to do right now.

Yesterday I went through my closet, and found some darling tops I could wear, if I could have reached them in the melee filled with extraneous vestments. OK, now my words are just too flowery. Let me clarify: I have too much stuff (in general) just waiting to be shared with someone who will actually use it!

I am passing on the 30 + tee shirts and lace tops that could fit a preteen, as well as the patterned tops that don't suit me. I have also been holding onto faves that are hanging there looking like a favorite...if I would only wear them. It's hilarious how I can be so attached to items of clothing. I still have like 5-6 different blazers and sweater type deals that I want to use, but just forget about.

I get hooked on certain outfits, so I end up wearing maybe 2-3 different combos per week. This includes Costco tank tops and yoga pants, give or take a sweater and/or hoodie. Lately I add an adorable lime green knit hat with a tassle on top, and a seafoam green scarf that almost matches. I wear the same ones all week, since I am such a creature of habit. In choosing an outfit, comfort is a key element, along with utility, and of course, cuteness. If I smile in awe of my awesome sexiness when I put it on, it stays. ;)

I've been thinking of all the stuff I have accumulated over the years, and what it says about me now and then, and in between now and then. I am currently glancing at a bookshelf overflowing with used and new spiral notebooks, some dating back to 1992. I used them as journals for many years, and not all of them are filled completely. I have kept old textbooks, from 1990 and beyond. Seriously. Then I have the beginnnings of a notebook for recipes, unfinished of course, along with all 4 years of my high school yearbooks.

But oh, no, it doesn't stop there. In addition to all of this random crap, I have...you guessed it...more random crap! I won't even bore you with any further detail. Let's just say that if my house burned down, the only thing I would really want to be sure I had are my cats. I would definitely want all of my photos, a lot of my books, and some of my paperwork, including an unused passport. But, I would not be devestated without it.

This yearning to live simply has been brewing for quite some time. I sit amongst clutter daily, and have begun to feel the discomfort of being somewhat immersed in it. I believe that having ADHD has propelled me, since it can frequently be the cause of the propensity for cluttering. If I didn't have these "symptoms", I may not have grown tired of the mess I find myself sitting in. So, I guess it has been a catalyst for change. Yay. I knew that being impulsive and innattentive could be good for something. I get these ideas, you know, like a bee in my bonnet (so to speak), that will direct my course. This is one of those moments.

It's time for a change...And I am ready. :)

Aconsumerism and Abundance

I just made up a new word...at least I think it's new.

ACONSUMERISM: Without consumption...ie, the absence of consuming.

This is meant to take the place of "anti" consumerism, which literally means "against". I am not against consumerism, I just purposely refrain from being a consumer (ie, buying stuff) when I have no need. I prefer to engage in activities that encourage sharing, learning, and a sense of community. That's what aconsumerism does for me.

This is not to say that I do not consume. I just think before I buy. I am purchasing some items to make gifts this year, instead of spending hundreds of dollars on things that may be worthless next year.

I just read in the Independent that we spend an average of $859 on holiday gifts! This is reduced from $907 last year. No wonder so many Americans are in debt. There is no doubt that a majority of the purchases are by credit card, so the money is also being given to large corporations, not just our families and dear friends.

Just imagine other ways this money could be spent...

Money isn't going anywhere...yet. So maybe we could think of it as a useful tool, to bring goodness and equality to our fellow humans in the world. I can live without an ipod, or a brand new pair of jeans. But none of us live well without love.

Peace and love to all. :)

Come to the Really Really Free Market in SB!

ATTENTION ALL... ANNOUNCING.... The Really Really Free Market!

Sunday December 30th, 2007 11 AM - Dark (about 6pm) at Alice Keck Park Memorial Gardens (Same as last time!)

This time featuring: -Workshops! -Free Food and items to take home! -Music! Bring your friends, family, and all your extra STUFF to the REALLY REALLY FREE MARKET! No Money, No Barter, No Trade, Everything is Free. Come, share, and build community. YOU make it happen!

http://www.myspace.com/sbfreemarket


For those of you who want to know more about RRFM and other awesome movements, visit Wikipedia for more info...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Really,_Really_Free_Market

Gratitude~What a difference a year can make

Gratitude

December 11th, 2007

I am grateful to be completely here, and fully alive. I am glad I finally woke up to reality, pain and bliss combined sometimes.

I am grateful for guidance, support, and direction, teaching to learn and learning to teach.
I am grateful for learning to love my inner child.

I am grateful for Trader Joes lava cakes with fresh raspberries. Mmm.

I am grateful for acceptance and surrender, and times when I won't, so I can see the difference.

I am grateful to let it all grow.

I am grateful to share my writing with others today.I am grateful for a sense of humor, smiles and laughter abound.

I am grateful for the wind in the trees, sunshine, the birds and the bees. And butterflies mating in front of me.

I am grateful for extraordinary adolescents being true to themselves and reminding me to always be real.

I am grateful for His Holiness the Dalai Lama for demonstrating patience, love, and compassion for all sentient beings.

I am grateful for all sentient beings, and the lessons they bring.

2006

I am so grateful that I know what I want out of a relationship, and what I do NOT want.

I am grateful that I wouldn't sleep with a man who would just go for it just because I happen to be available.I am grateful that I am worth more than a temporary fix to a permanent problem.I am grateful that another woman's embarrassing behavior with men has given me clarity.

I am grateful that I am willing to wait for who I really want to share my life with, and who really wants to share their life with me.I am grateful to realize that no matter how nice a guy may seem to be, that does not mean that he is really all that fantastic, nor does it mean that he is the man for me.

I am grateful that my honesty will eliminate anyone who does not need to be in my life. I am also grateful that whoever stays can handle my honesty.

I am grateful to be single. I am grateful that I do not want to be single, but that I am right where I am supposed to be.

I don't need to hide this anymore. I want a relationship, and I am not afraid to say it. It's just not my time, yet...apparently.

All that online "communication" we have doesn't mean crap if we don't really talk to each other. You don't all really know me.

So now you know more.

By the way, I learned all this boundary setting and ideal relationship stuff in recovery. I also learned how to be grateful, patient, loving and tolerant. At least eventually, the patience comes...

My, how I've grown. :)

Pachyderm

Pachyderm

The elephant just sits
inside our conversation
wanting to get out
He's been ignored too long
Feeling awkward, there's no doubt

Unspoken words hang in the air
right when I take a breath
I had a chance to tell you
but the moment met its death

I try on new behavior
like I'm shopping for a ring
Wishing, hoping, dreading
that the wedding bells might sing

With you I'd see forever
filling up with pain
choosing to say nothing
of stifled thoughts insane

Secrets can't be hidden well
They get revealed someday
And that elephant is getting old and tired
of games that people play

It’s painful in reality
but I accept what we are now
I know that I can change myself
but you, I can't somehow

Please accept condolences
for when you lost your voice
I'll wait to listen for what's real
As you turn and make your choice

[December 10th, 2007]

Sing Noel?

Holiday Celebrations

In theory, a holiday is a special day to celebrate family, friendship, and community. Ideally, we spend quality time with our family and friends, leaving us feeling loved. Holiday celebrations in America include Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthdays. We also celebrate Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Independence Day, and Memorial Day. In fact, this country finds a reason to celebrate almost every month of the year. If we all celebrated simply to be together and have fun, we would not need to exchange gifts. A seemingly pleasant tradition of gift giving has escalated into a materialistic nightmare, as department stores open at dawn, catering to maniacal shoppers, eager to please their loved ones with the latest electronic devices. Consumerism has ruined Christmas, reducing the holiday to opportunistic retailers and media corporations, leaving the unfortunate consumer with a feeling of inadequacy and guilt, causing undue stress. Christmas is no longer a celebration of life and love, and is being used by our materialistic society as a method of brainwashing our citizens to believe that they need to buy something to be worthy of love.

First, this country has a serious problem with the concept of reality. While we make a mad rush to the mall, people in third world countries are running to the well for fresh water. When I get dressed in the morning, I have an entire closet filled with clothes to choose from. We forget that those in poverty may not even have a shirt on their back. So, when the time comes to celebrate Christmas, we can easily forget about true giving. Material possessions are of little importance if one’s family fails to be united in love and honoring one another. Spending time with family is a gift in itself. When the storefronts in America begin displaying Christmas items in early November, the message is one of urgent need to purchase gifts.

Secondly, we are constantly being reminded that we need to buy things to please our families. We can become convinced that we have to get something for someone. Newspapers and television commercials will tell us that our loved ones will only be happy if we get them the most cutting edge item available, like an iphone, listed at $500 retail price. For some, that is equivalent to half of a month’s rent. There is this idea that we all need to have more stuff, and buying things for people will make them happy. If that is true, why do we see so many unhappy people holiday shopping? There are frowns, sweaty brows, and scowls everywhere you look. Children are being scolded for becoming impatient while waiting in a line for an hour. Parents believe this is an unwarranted reaction, although they are about to yell at the person in front of them for taking too long. It is evident that holiday shopping is no longer a pleasant experience, filled with warmth and good cheer. People are filled with a sense of urgency, feeling undue pressure to buy the “perfect” gift for their significant other. On Christmas day, people hope that their gift is good enough for them. The moments spent with each other were lost in the parking lot of Macy’s.

Finally, our society has brainwashed us to believe that something outside of ourselves will give us well being. Gratification by external means only brings temporary relief. The only way to feel better is to give of ourselves. When we can bake sweets, knit a scarf, or simply be present at a family gathering, we can give the most precious gift of all: love. We spend time in traffic or waiting in line, when we could be spending it with our loved ones. We are all worthy of love, whether we show we care through giving a present, or just being there.

In conclusion, the holidays can be a time of warmth and loving gestures. The Christmas season has become too materialistic, causing people to behave in ways contrary to the spirit of the holiday. To preserve the true meaning of Christmas, we need to slow down and spend some quality time with those we love, instead of buying a bunch of stuff. Our country is overly focused on material possessions, and Christmas time is used to reap profits rather than sow love. Consumerism has distorted our vision of gift giving. Celebrating Christmas can be a relaxing, enjoyable experience one shares with family and friends, an opportunity to love and cherish one another.

[This was a composition I wrote for Spanish class...en ingles, y despues espanol.]

Infoshop in Santa Barbara!

This is awesome! This group of kind, compassionate folks are making a difference in the world. Be a part of the community...get involved!

http://www.myspace.com/sbinfoshop

PS. Everyone can do this, in every community. Come together and see the magic happen. :)

The Space Between

The Space Between

Each time we stop talking
the truth spills out
our silence says everything
the heart never doubts

I wish we'd stop lying
And just say what's real
that love that we're hiding
the pain we could heal

There's something missing
as years have gone by
I sense that you're dying
down deep inside

Then here comes us
between young and old
twitching with memories
from warmth to the cold

And you tell me you're great
I say that I'm fine
But really I am wondering
What will happen this time

Will we keep avoiding
what needs to be said
or continue forgetting
and deceive instead

As the silence grows deeper
I may never know
Perhaps you'll keep your distance
Maybe I'll let you go

In between all these words
is a message that's clear
truth always remembers
between love and fear

Next time I'll listen
to the space in between
subtly powerful meanings
just like my dream

[Inspired by a dream last night, followed by a conversation today, filled with empty words and important pauses]

[December 4, 2007]

Free 2 Learn

I see...a fundraiser-Michelle's College fund, in fact. I could help other like me go to school through the kindness of generous folks with enough cash to share. I'll call it the Free 2 Learn Program. EVERYONE should & will be able to attend college-without having to work. Non-profits are possible! I know there is a need & I plan on making this dream a reality. Everyone be free 2 learn! :)
[This was an excerpt from my amazingly optimistic journal on October 10th]

Feeding the hungry

Want to feed the hungry and expand your vocabulary?
Check this out...


http://www.freerice.com/index.php

PS. Warning: May be habit forming. ;)

Words

Words

Excess. Overindulgence. Oops, a bit extravagant.
Flowery language insults the senses. Over done.

Fragrant mists of steaming possibilities, wrapped tightly in a mockery despite consequences.

I want more of everything. Words thrill me to the point of exhaustion, creeping upon me like a stealthy earwig
Looking for a good meal on my tender thighs.

Ooh. Scandalous, these words.
Excessive, expressive, oppressive
To pressure myself into a creative melee.

Give me more.
A taste of the exclusive, like washing up on an empty beach
Expecting people to welcome me, invite me to their masked ball.

Please accept my flaws, but expect perfection.
I lost my mask. No more hiding beneath the shower of colorful verbiage.

Extremes. I go often to extremes.
Addicted to ink, I urgently compose what I can find
From the delicious assortment of phrases in my mind.

Just like a box of chocolate covered cherries
The results are the same.

Passionate displays of the mundane, ordinary world I show all of you.
Truly, I may eventually reveal the inner remains,
Of which are brilliant flames.

Rising and falling with every breath, I feel the sensation of a sneeze…
But it is quickly suppressed.
All fear subsides in time.

[Spring 2007]

Mmmm...poetic mercy

I'm a poet and I didn't really know it. That was the case until I posted some of my creativity for all to enjoy. There is something quite satisfying with seeing one's writing in print, rich with vibrant colors chosen by me (mostly...btw if anyone knows how to access more templates, please share. thank you). I really like this blogging thing. I am new to using this type of forum. And honestly, I very rarely share my writing with others. What a travesty! So...feel free to comment, even if (and esp when) you don't like it. Please tell me what thrills you and sends you into an emotional upheaval of your torrid past. Let me know if reading it felt like eating cardboard.

Now I really have to leave cyberspace so the real world won't wonder if I met an early death.

Sweet dreams of peace and love to all. :)

Lucky

Lucky

Pink jasmine blooms waft, exhaling sweetness
White creases in the folds reminiscent of crinkled paper
After a poet attempts at inspiration to no avail
The artist decides those images are useless doodle
The petals transform angst into romance

Suddenly creation flows effortlessly
Just as the lover takes her hand and everything fits
The jasmine keeps growing despite doubt and fear
Letting the raindrops fall, drenching it in wet love
Never knowing when the next shower will come

A garden of selfless growth, as the lover plucks her tears
Bugs kill its leaves, munching away at the stems
Appreciating the mud and pruning, it smiles
Relief is evident in surrendering pain of future woes
Distant from the time that will be is the jasmine

Simply returning poetic mercy, fragrance oozing from petals
Like whipped cream on a hot fudge sundae
Just the beginning of indulgent desserts to come

[Spring 2007]

Done

Done

There you are again, invading my space
Taking over like an army of ants parading through my veins
Clogging my aorta, you are the plaque that suffocates my capacity to love
I thought I was done

But there you are, smiling coyly
And I change my mind again
You pervade all reason
I thought I was done

I crave you like a drink
a shimmering glass of wine
Just begging me to swallow your dishonesty
I drink in your attentive selfishness
I am not done yet

You take what I allow you to own
I constantly relinquish my soul
For just one more cracked glass of you
Addiction precludes all logic
Will I ever be done?

I indulge you, itching for all that I know
A cold, refreshing glass of ale
Just one more for the road, I say
Then I am back where I began
I am not done.

Temporary relief is expensive
My spirit is in debt
When I try to justify sabotage
Sensual pleasure is fleeting
And yet I still yearn for the illusion
Believing it is worth the price

Then I wake up to my world without you
With an empty soul, heart on the floor
Emotionally hungover, I move toward the truth.
I choose to leave.
I am finally…DONE.

[Originally written on January 16, 2005]

[Edited in 2007]

Peace Happens

Peace Happens

No more tragedies and all the lies
Forget the news that skews our lives
No more acts of violence and hateful words
We need freedom from the absurd

Leave the judgments at the door
Take criticism off my floor
Stop idolizing material wealth
When what’s important is our health

We have to change the way we speak
Transform everything we seek
Take some action for us all
Do something different to answer the call

Use that passion for the greater good
Help others become understood
It all start with planting seeds
Giving love is all we need

[April 29, 2007]

Loose Change

Loose Change

Break me open, like a cantaloupe
Spilling seeds for a garden of hope
Crack me like a fresh egg yolk
Gleaming with amber, glistening with nutritious clarity

Split my heart open, like Jesus
Giving love and compassion freely
Sit me down quietly, like Buddha
Allowing the world to flow through me

Lay me down sweetly, like Mother
Cradling me ‘til slumber comes
Rest with me like all of humanity
Embracing the silence of stillness

[May 8th, 2007]